filled with love

OMG, I am so filed with love. Perhaps overfilled with love, it keeps spilling out. Your dad always keeps giving me more reasons to love him more but you have opened me to that, until now, unknown kind of love. I just came back from the vaccination, I loved you when you cried and hurt with you and it really really hurt me when you felt the pain. You see the other person I love with no limits is your dad and I feel bad for him when he doesn’t feel good, I feel sympathetic and I want him to feel better, I am sad about his pain but I do not suffer with him.

With you it’s so different. I would so much rather feel your pain instead of you and it hurts me too. And I love you

Then I love you again when you stop crying and are being really brave and strong, then I hold you and you snuggle up to me, put your head on my breast, turn towards me so no one else can see your face. I love you again.

Your dad said he keeps falling in love with me over and over again each day and sometimes I ask him so today? And he tells me yes, several times and I ask when and sometimes there are the most funny or peculiar reasons I would never think could make anyone fall in love with me but he says it makes him fall in love again.

I don’t know if you can fall in love with your baby but I experience these waves of love all the time. Then I love you again when you laugh to all the ladies at marcus’s office, wrinkle your little nose and they can’t believe that you just came back from your vaccination – you are not moody or crying, you are just happy little you, curious and beautiful

Then I put you on the floor of the car on the blankets your dad spread. We didn’t take your chair and I was picking up the car from his work so we had to come up with a way to drive you. And you are happy there and smile to me and I love you again and I love you when you fall asleep. I didn’t want to wake you up when we came back home. Now there is high tide and I could sneak pout for a little swim but I prefer to write this because there was so much love in me I had to spread it out and I am thinking I am crazy, when ever before I would have miss a swim in the lagoon to talk to someone and here I don’t even talk to you, I just write for you to read it, probably years and years down the road.

Well, love is strange and crazy. Can’t wait to talk to you, soon I hope you will be able to talk back. You seem to understand so much now and you know now about object permanence, when we hide something from you, you know it is still there, you look behind, you try to get to it. You also realise if something is too far for you to reach but as soon as something comes within your reach you will surely get you hands on it. And you are not even 6 months old yet.

Now I just can’t wait till you wake up, can’t wait till your dad comes back home!

Love you and this makes me so so happy

 

 

before

it’s the last week my little one.  I haven’t written anything for quite a while. i have problems writing. So much was hapening and then, just one thing made it impossible for me to write anything.  writers’ block? Perhaps?

i meant to write about your family a bit.  you have now gorgeous little garments, your family, mainly grandma and aunty I think, spoiled you so much, you lucky girl.  Now you better be a girl because as a boy you will not look just as handsome in little pink French pantaloons and dresses:) the girls got carried away once they heard the second confirmation that you are a girl. /all sort of girly frills and soft pink clothes arrived recently from Berlin.

Marcus still has a fair amount of work and when he doesn’t we spend every single moment together. Every moment is a joy and fulfillment. We talked about some creative project and I enjoyed it and found his input really great. I am learning from him about local politics, the way society functions, benefit from his deep knowledge of Cook Islands last 10 years history. It’s a pitty that this country, so small and with every possibility to govern itself in an, honest, transparent, effective way, possibly capable of initiating something really grand like new emerging system ,an alternative to overprised democracy, does not take full advantage of this almost perfect conditions.  Maybe one day… Me and Marcus can only see things but we do not have enough cultural background to know the best solutions even if some changes required seem so obvious  the change has to be born here not introduced from elsewhere.  Maybe you or someone like you, local but with a view from outside would be this change…

I hope you will be a curious little girl.  Never stop asking questions and trying to find out.  Easy to say for the parents of today who can always tell their children google knows all the answers. When I was growing up and adults could not answer all my questions, the only way to find out was to make a journey to the library and spend hours searching the books.

We talked a lot also about our childhood and upbringing. Looks like your dad was far more lucky in so many ways.  What prompted this conversation was his concern about his Nana. She is 93 now and caught pneumonia which is serious especially in this age. It’s so difficult for a woman to see her man upset and worried. He said it would be difficult to talk to her on the phone so I suggested he writes a letter to her, the older people are used to receiving letters.  I thought she should know how much she means to Marcus and how much he would like me and you little one to meet his grandma.  nana is lucky to reach such a beautiful age but she has still some things in there she should wait for. I understand Marcus is really close to her heart and so to know him a man, a man fulfilled and in love, with his wife on his side and their daughter in his arms, to know the biggest change in his life, the strongest feelings in his heart… perhaps would add to her will to fight on, will be motivation to wait. to join in his happiness…

I once tried to find this motivation for my grandmother. She was dying an aweful death.. I knew she was still worried though that she was leaving me alone, in her world the girls married in their early twenties, she looked differently at those things.  So I thought I would give her a reason, a reason to survive, to wait.  I got engaged with my then boyfriend thinking she would want to see me in a white dress walking the aisle, that her dream, now that I was giving it to her she would not leave me..

The problem was my Little one, that I did not think about one issue.  That was not real.  It was not the real happiness she would be sharing with me, it was like connecting someone to the life supporting machine instead of giving them an excitment of real life.  I did not think of my own happiness then, did not question if that decision was right or wring.  Frank was a nice sweet guy but not the love of my life.  If only I was in ;love then like I am now, if only I knew Marcus, this would have been the real thing worth waiting for…

So Marcus got it right and we can only hope that maybe his Nana will find a strength in her to share in his happiness and love, in any case though she now knows, she knows both how much she meant in his life and how much of her he will carry in him and that he now finally met someone he wants to spend his life with, not to save her, not to please her, but because he is now sure for the first time in his life he loves someone.  And soon there will be someone else to love and care for, someone who will bring him joy and pride, hopefully little one.  Your dad deserves to be proud of you and just always do your best and he always will.

So hurry up now, there is many people out there excited about your arrival, impatient to see you, waiting to have you in their arms.  There is so many people we want you to know Baby girl.

And really you are getting to big in there, even though everyone is surprised or even shocked you are due in this week, not believing you just sit there in  what they consider to be a little bump or even “the smallest cutest bump they’ve ever seen” for mam it is extra 12.5 kg and I have no idea you stick out so much, last night i burned my tummy leaning to reach for the pot in the back and bumping into the hot pot in front.  I seriously did not realise or did not get used to yet having so much in front of me.  Dad kissed it better but you know, since i did not get used to it by now then no chance i will so …we are ready, ready and excited.  Are you?