before

it’s the last week my little one.  I haven’t written anything for quite a while. i have problems writing. So much was hapening and then, just one thing made it impossible for me to write anything.  writers’ block? Perhaps?

i meant to write about your family a bit.  you have now gorgeous little garments, your family, mainly grandma and aunty I think, spoiled you so much, you lucky girl.  Now you better be a girl because as a boy you will not look just as handsome in little pink French pantaloons and dresses:) the girls got carried away once they heard the second confirmation that you are a girl. /all sort of girly frills and soft pink clothes arrived recently from Berlin.

Marcus still has a fair amount of work and when he doesn’t we spend every single moment together. Every moment is a joy and fulfillment. We talked about some creative project and I enjoyed it and found his input really great. I am learning from him about local politics, the way society functions, benefit from his deep knowledge of Cook Islands last 10 years history. It’s a pitty that this country, so small and with every possibility to govern itself in an, honest, transparent, effective way, possibly capable of initiating something really grand like new emerging system ,an alternative to overprised democracy, does not take full advantage of this almost perfect conditions.  Maybe one day… Me and Marcus can only see things but we do not have enough cultural background to know the best solutions even if some changes required seem so obvious  the change has to be born here not introduced from elsewhere.  Maybe you or someone like you, local but with a view from outside would be this change…

I hope you will be a curious little girl.  Never stop asking questions and trying to find out.  Easy to say for the parents of today who can always tell their children google knows all the answers. When I was growing up and adults could not answer all my questions, the only way to find out was to make a journey to the library and spend hours searching the books.

We talked a lot also about our childhood and upbringing. Looks like your dad was far more lucky in so many ways.  What prompted this conversation was his concern about his Nana. She is 93 now and caught pneumonia which is serious especially in this age. It’s so difficult for a woman to see her man upset and worried. He said it would be difficult to talk to her on the phone so I suggested he writes a letter to her, the older people are used to receiving letters.  I thought she should know how much she means to Marcus and how much he would like me and you little one to meet his grandma.  nana is lucky to reach such a beautiful age but she has still some things in there she should wait for. I understand Marcus is really close to her heart and so to know him a man, a man fulfilled and in love, with his wife on his side and their daughter in his arms, to know the biggest change in his life, the strongest feelings in his heart… perhaps would add to her will to fight on, will be motivation to wait. to join in his happiness…

I once tried to find this motivation for my grandmother. She was dying an aweful death.. I knew she was still worried though that she was leaving me alone, in her world the girls married in their early twenties, she looked differently at those things.  So I thought I would give her a reason, a reason to survive, to wait.  I got engaged with my then boyfriend thinking she would want to see me in a white dress walking the aisle, that her dream, now that I was giving it to her she would not leave me..

The problem was my Little one, that I did not think about one issue.  That was not real.  It was not the real happiness she would be sharing with me, it was like connecting someone to the life supporting machine instead of giving them an excitment of real life.  I did not think of my own happiness then, did not question if that decision was right or wring.  Frank was a nice sweet guy but not the love of my life.  If only I was in ;love then like I am now, if only I knew Marcus, this would have been the real thing worth waiting for…

So Marcus got it right and we can only hope that maybe his Nana will find a strength in her to share in his happiness and love, in any case though she now knows, she knows both how much she meant in his life and how much of her he will carry in him and that he now finally met someone he wants to spend his life with, not to save her, not to please her, but because he is now sure for the first time in his life he loves someone.  And soon there will be someone else to love and care for, someone who will bring him joy and pride, hopefully little one.  Your dad deserves to be proud of you and just always do your best and he always will.

So hurry up now, there is many people out there excited about your arrival, impatient to see you, waiting to have you in their arms.  There is so many people we want you to know Baby girl.

And really you are getting to big in there, even though everyone is surprised or even shocked you are due in this week, not believing you just sit there in  what they consider to be a little bump or even “the smallest cutest bump they’ve ever seen” for mam it is extra 12.5 kg and I have no idea you stick out so much, last night i burned my tummy leaning to reach for the pot in the back and bumping into the hot pot in front.  I seriously did not realise or did not get used to yet having so much in front of me.  Dad kissed it better but you know, since i did not get used to it by now then no chance i will so …we are ready, ready and excited.  Are you?

 

 

Reasons….

Dear Haumea,

it’s just your dad, easy to distinguish because his output is so infrequent. I am hopeful that over time i will learn from your mum and have the spontaneity and freedom of spirit to write a beautiful long post in which nuggets of truth are embedded like raisins in a german Christmas Bread, just like she did last night in between two courses of our dinner. Your dad configures a fully functional e-commerce server in that time span, but writing ? Not yet, anyway.

There are many reason i can think of why i want to commit to Bella and you sure will ask us one day and on that day i won’t have to refer you to this post for the answer. Your mum is spontaneous, righteous, truthful and fair. She can be a bit jealous but that is actually a byproduct of honesty. Most people are jealous but never admit it and that in itself is the root of many an evil in this world you will soon enter. Also your mum is so practical it sometimes breaks my heart just thinking about it. When pressed for time she toast bread on a gas flame (and delicious that is!), she ejects SIM card with an earring, she lets grievances go temporarily of for good and always makes the right choice. Just today she went through a pile of depressing paperwork concerning some of the hardship she came out of with a smile when i heard her sobbing so i rushed to where she was sitting and learned that it was a short note of mine floating in the midst of that endless pile of past disappointment brought tears of joy to her eyes. I cannot think of many if any fellow human beings who would see the glass as being half full at such a moment but once again Bella did and that is why we will be your mum and that with paper, ring and all. There are many other reasons but i keep them for later posts.

We already live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth and yet despite that fact we would be just as merry in good ‘ol communist Poland, sharing a simple meal made of our pooled food stamps as a mere necessity that complements the existential pleasure of each other company. Why else do we sometimes not leave the house on a glorious day except for cooling off in our gigantic swimming pool that we hope will be your playground too and very soon.

1983 Polish Food Stamp

Well, the good news is we could have swapped the Cigarette and Alcohol allowance for chocolates 😉

Today we are no longer worried about the next meal so before we have it let me take your Mum on a nice little walk around the tropical country side around here.

Lots of love and i cannot wait to take you little kicking and spinning (a homage to Bruce Lee?) dervish in my arms so your mum no longer has to carry all that weight.

Your dad.