Never miss a chance so you never regret

She lived for 93 years, 32 918 days. I spent only half of that day with her and i will always remember this. You were there too little one, sitting clumsily and a bit uncomfortably on her lap, touching her hand with your tiny baby fingers, bringing smile to her face. You met Grand Oma Edith, Your grandad’s mum.

I regret I havent had a chance to get to know her better, i just heard many wonderful things about her from your dad who was very close to her and for whom she was very important, who he loved very much. I never had a chance to meet his other grandma or granddads, we met too late in life. My grandmums and grandads had passed away by then too. But I did meet Oma Edith one beautiful sunny day during our first family trip to Europe. You were just over 3 months old so it might be too early for you to remember but I will hope that there will be somewhere in, you a little soft feeling, glimpse of memory of your contact with that wonderful older lady.

We went to visit Oma Edith on the 3rd of Septemeber, a month before she passed away. We did not know if she will remember the good news we were bringing to her, about our love, marriage and you my little Darling. Oma had some troubles remembering new things she was told. Your Oma and Opa told her about Marcus getting married and having a child and even though this made her really happy she did not remember it by the enxt time they visited her, so they thought, so they needed to repeat the news and she was happy again. Yet when we came to see her she knew perfectly well, despite some short memory problems many older people have, who we were. She loved seeing her dear grandson and she squeezed my hand and kissed me and told me how happy she was that Marcus and I found each other. She knew who you were and she watched you asleep on the chair next to her and when you woke up I sat you on her lap and she cuddled and stroked you. She was happy.

At some point she turned to me, took my hand and pulled me towards her. “i love you, as much as i love Marcus” she said. first i thought she might have mistaken me with someone from her family. But i was her family and she was talking to me. She squeezed my hand and kissed it and said she is so happy to see Marcus happy and in love and that she loved us very much. Marcus said this means a lot because she loves him a lot and obviously she realised i was a part of him. She never forgot after this that her dear grandson was married, that he had me and you and that we made him happy as he never was before.

That was the last day Marcus spent with his grandma but he will always love her. A month after this wonderful meeting a great woman passed away. She was loved by all her children and grandchildren and spent her last days surrounded by them. Remember this my sweetheart, this is how i hope you will be, loved and respected by everyone. She will be also missed by everyone but her life was long and meaningful. She was surrounded by love when she was departing and she left a lot of love in the world in the lifes of all her children and future generations, the love which is and will continue to be a response to the love she once gave to others.

I hope you will learn about her from your dad but most of all from your opa, i hope he will find time and inspiration to write to you about his mum but if not then one day soon you can sit on his lap and ask him to tell you stories about grand Oma Edith.

before

it’s the last week my little one.  I haven’t written anything for quite a while. i have problems writing. So much was hapening and then, just one thing made it impossible for me to write anything.  writers’ block? Perhaps?

i meant to write about your family a bit.  you have now gorgeous little garments, your family, mainly grandma and aunty I think, spoiled you so much, you lucky girl.  Now you better be a girl because as a boy you will not look just as handsome in little pink French pantaloons and dresses:) the girls got carried away once they heard the second confirmation that you are a girl. /all sort of girly frills and soft pink clothes arrived recently from Berlin.

Marcus still has a fair amount of work and when he doesn’t we spend every single moment together. Every moment is a joy and fulfillment. We talked about some creative project and I enjoyed it and found his input really great. I am learning from him about local politics, the way society functions, benefit from his deep knowledge of Cook Islands last 10 years history. It’s a pitty that this country, so small and with every possibility to govern itself in an, honest, transparent, effective way, possibly capable of initiating something really grand like new emerging system ,an alternative to overprised democracy, does not take full advantage of this almost perfect conditions.  Maybe one day… Me and Marcus can only see things but we do not have enough cultural background to know the best solutions even if some changes required seem so obvious  the change has to be born here not introduced from elsewhere.  Maybe you or someone like you, local but with a view from outside would be this change…

I hope you will be a curious little girl.  Never stop asking questions and trying to find out.  Easy to say for the parents of today who can always tell their children google knows all the answers. When I was growing up and adults could not answer all my questions, the only way to find out was to make a journey to the library and spend hours searching the books.

We talked a lot also about our childhood and upbringing. Looks like your dad was far more lucky in so many ways.  What prompted this conversation was his concern about his Nana. She is 93 now and caught pneumonia which is serious especially in this age. It’s so difficult for a woman to see her man upset and worried. He said it would be difficult to talk to her on the phone so I suggested he writes a letter to her, the older people are used to receiving letters.  I thought she should know how much she means to Marcus and how much he would like me and you little one to meet his grandma.  nana is lucky to reach such a beautiful age but she has still some things in there she should wait for. I understand Marcus is really close to her heart and so to know him a man, a man fulfilled and in love, with his wife on his side and their daughter in his arms, to know the biggest change in his life, the strongest feelings in his heart… perhaps would add to her will to fight on, will be motivation to wait. to join in his happiness…

I once tried to find this motivation for my grandmother. She was dying an aweful death.. I knew she was still worried though that she was leaving me alone, in her world the girls married in their early twenties, she looked differently at those things.  So I thought I would give her a reason, a reason to survive, to wait.  I got engaged with my then boyfriend thinking she would want to see me in a white dress walking the aisle, that her dream, now that I was giving it to her she would not leave me..

The problem was my Little one, that I did not think about one issue.  That was not real.  It was not the real happiness she would be sharing with me, it was like connecting someone to the life supporting machine instead of giving them an excitment of real life.  I did not think of my own happiness then, did not question if that decision was right or wring.  Frank was a nice sweet guy but not the love of my life.  If only I was in ;love then like I am now, if only I knew Marcus, this would have been the real thing worth waiting for…

So Marcus got it right and we can only hope that maybe his Nana will find a strength in her to share in his happiness and love, in any case though she now knows, she knows both how much she meant in his life and how much of her he will carry in him and that he now finally met someone he wants to spend his life with, not to save her, not to please her, but because he is now sure for the first time in his life he loves someone.  And soon there will be someone else to love and care for, someone who will bring him joy and pride, hopefully little one.  Your dad deserves to be proud of you and just always do your best and he always will.

So hurry up now, there is many people out there excited about your arrival, impatient to see you, waiting to have you in their arms.  There is so many people we want you to know Baby girl.

And really you are getting to big in there, even though everyone is surprised or even shocked you are due in this week, not believing you just sit there in  what they consider to be a little bump or even “the smallest cutest bump they’ve ever seen” for mam it is extra 12.5 kg and I have no idea you stick out so much, last night i burned my tummy leaning to reach for the pot in the back and bumping into the hot pot in front.  I seriously did not realise or did not get used to yet having so much in front of me.  Dad kissed it better but you know, since i did not get used to it by now then no chance i will so …we are ready, ready and excited.  Are you?