Category Archives: Blogs from parents

We woke up and …we were a family

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It was a hard labour. There was a lot of pain with first contractions already 3-4 minutes apart, lasted for 16 hours.  We woke up at 2, drove to the hospital at 4.30 when the pain started becoming unbearable.  I went straight into the delivery room and from then onwards, apart from one quick visit to the bathroom, Marcus stayed with me holding my hand kissing my forehead, stroking my back, for 12 or 13 hours non stop, all that time standing not minding pain in his feet, not minding discomfort, all he worried was me and that he cannot take this pain away that there is so little he can do. But he made a world of difference. I can’t even imagine how it would be without him I know at some point he cried and said something so unbelievably beautiful but I couldn’t remember his words later, I just remember his beautiful face full of concern and love and mix of pain and pride.

Some people from his work and Dion came to visit, someone let them into the delivery room and i saw them in between my contractions but this is all a haze, I knew they brought words of encouragement and mountain of gifts.

Then the time came to push. People say you forget the pain…it was not the pain though that I will remember, it was a terror and fear for my baby and  I don’t think I will ever forget this. I was exhausted and though, after last medication, my contractions became shorter and less painful it meant I now had  shorter windows to push.

During the next hour I tried  over and over again, giving everything from myself, making inhuman almost efforts but still it was pointless and i felt so helpless. And there was marcus always there, reapiting quiet words of love, reassuring me, my husband, your dad, waiting for you to come to this world and being there for both of us.

Whatever I was doing, after a short success when the baby’s head appeared at the opening, I could not get the baby out. Something was wrong.  I cried and screamed in pain by then, I was scared, I felt I am failing my little baby. Marcus’s constant reassurance and his hand stroking my face was the only thing I could hang on to not to break. I had no more strengh on my own, the only strength i was now getting from him.

There were two midwifes and two doctors with us. The Burmese doctor looked like a graduate in his katmandu jumper, the other one was wearing a t-shirt with a sign picturing a married couple titled “game over”. Midwives Tai and Tauvaine tried hard to direct me to push more effectively. With my legs prompt on their hips I did push as hard as I could,  I felt a ring of fire down there, there was pressure in every muscle, in felt like the skin is tearing yet there was no more progress.   I had no more strength to scream or cry.

One hour of sweat and pain passed and the head was still in the same place. Now everyone was getting stressed.  ‘you have to push the baby out. We don’t have much time, we have to get her out now, she was too long there, push, try” “Don’t you think I am trying, do you think I want to keep her there?? Like I don’t want her out?” I cried now in frustration and by now also in a panic myself not knowing what is gonna happen to my baby if I don’t succeed right there and then.  Dr Linn decided he will help me with the suction cap. everything inside me felt raw but all that mattered now was to get the baby out.

Then there was a painful injection bursting under the skin of my vagina, doctor saying he will have to cut me and use the forcipes, things bursting and tearing and pain.

Despite the injection an i felt unbelievable pain when the heavy clumps were pushed inside even though I felt almost dead inside, paralised  with fear that those cold hard things are now closing around my baby’s head to pull her out of me.  I pushed with all my power when the doctor said he was ready, determined to save pain to my baby girl. “i can’t see how you could push that hard when the doctor had to pull with all his strength and it was still damn difficult to pull the head through even though you were not cut open” said marcus later.

With me pushing and the doctor pulling the little head  finally popped out just like a cork from a well corked bottle of wine. A limp little body followed a couple of moments later and I just prayed for that baby scream

I don’t remember much after I felt little slippery body being put on my breast, tears of fear and pain and unbelievable joy and release. Someone asked Marcus of he wants to cut the umbilical cprd, someone handed the baby to him, he was next to me hugging me, someone took the baby to weigh and put in a warm place, I asked Marcus to go and see her and tell me everything is ok. I don’t know how I got to bed who attached the drip onto my arm, I just remember being in Marcus’s arms, the nurse bring  the baby and me holding this beautiful little person in my arms, with Marcus’s arms around me, both of us stroking in amazement little head watching that pretty dear little face pressing to my breast  when the baby starts sucking. Suddenly our lives changed and opened up to that completely new kind of love, unknown until then. That very moment I knew I will always, always love her. I saw love in Marcus’s eyes, both to me and the baby, all so overwhelming. I don’t know when I fell asleep, I know the baby was in the cot next to us and Marcus put her on my breast again some time at night and when we woke up sudenly….we  were a family

 

 

 

beach baby

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I hope you are one of the most happy babies my little sweety. You have parents who love you and who love each other to bits, your mum has copious amounts of milk for you and it never runs out, there is some one to touch you and talk to you almost every time you are restless or have a bad dream, there is never too cold so when can change your nappies or shower you it is never too unpleasant.

We just had a beautiful weekend, you slept a long time on saturday giving your parents plenty time to enjoy time to enjoy each other and then you woke up in a beautiful mood. you are now becoming really chatty, goo and groo your little words at us and you want to be listened to and talked back to, what’s more you require full attention which you always get. We talk back with a mixture of your made up words to show they are important and weave in some simple words. So now your family can start putting bets on what your first word will be.  i started from teaching you tata and dad tried to teach you mama but now the list has changed slightly.

we listen to you and seems that it would be easy for you to say howareyou as you seem to make all those vowel- ly sounds. then come some simple useful words like oma and with ma you can go for mama maja (which is “your name’ in polish), ja which is yes in german and I in Polish so with just little o and two syllabus ma and ja you can have quite a rich vocabulary

but back to the weekend,  saturday was beautiful and so once you woke up we took you to the beach.  last weekend we dangled you in the sea but now we worried it may be too chilly but we put your little feet in the sand and you “strode” along the beach

here are some memories for you and us and a gift for your family in Germany and Poland my little girl

 

Growing

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You are 6 weeks old now, 6 weeks spent in our arms, by my side, changing from a little “animalito” as uncle Claudio calls you, into a little person who smiles when happy, follow us with her eyes, calls us and tries to construct some words to talk to us, not that succesfully at the moment but so so sweet

Your family in Poland and Germany are so in love with you.  You just got a parcel from your Aunty Katrin with a beautiful letter, she never met you yet but it is so obvious she loves you a lot already and can’t wait to see you.  We will keep these letters for you babygirl

here is a couple of photos from the last week, one one with me, our first outing you look so enthusiastic and..grown up:)

beautiful monster

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baby, baby, you want to eat all the time, you keeping me really busy, i have learned to do many things with you attached to me, like lighting up the gas by pressing the knob with my knee, while holding you in my arms with one hand and holding the lighter with the other but…typing with one hand takes far too long so you will have to wait a bit.

luckily the keyboard works thanks to your genial dad who fixed it after i spilt a bottle if breast milk trying to multitask – feed you, breast pump some milk for later and emailing all at the same time

well i learned my lesson

just two quick notes, may extrapolate later

1. you now spent first few hours away from home with mama Here and aunty Kirsten who really wanted to babysit you (when they visited they also pleaded with me to let them change your nappy, imagine). I have to say as soon as i was driving away from their home i sort of regretted and felt so empty without you. we did need some time alone though, there was a lot to catch up on, we had very little time together in peace since you were born- one month so we celebrated every moment but then loved having you back in our arms

2. when you will be thinking of having a little rascal like you yourself – just…do it right. just read something on a forum where mum is asking how to make baby stop crying at night because her husband is getting really mad at..HER when the baby wakes them up. How sad.

Think of it sweetheart. choose right- from the start. Is it not better to be with a man who wants to have baby’s cot on his side of the bed so he can put the baby on your breast when wakes up to be fed at night, one who will not let you get up to change a nappy when he is there, when you try to get the baby yourself before starts crying not to wake him up he tells you he likes waking up with you anyway, even if he cannot save you waking up at least half way, he can cuddle you better, tell you he loves you and kiss your back when you are breastfeeding little bubs.

I am so incredibly lucky …and in LOVE!

 

Spiderman is having me for dinner tonight

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You are now in the bedroom and we cannot stop you crying. you ate copious amounts, I breastfed you from 5 till 7 with just a little break for a nappy, then daddy gave you some nu (coconut juice) and you would still want more so we are playing you a lullaby by the Cure

On candystripe legs the spiderman comes
Softly through the shadow of the evening sun
Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
Looking for the victim shivering in bed
Searching out fear in the gathering gloom and
Suddenly!
A movement in the corner of the room!
And there is nothing I can do
When I realise with fright
That the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight!

Quietly he laughs and shaking his head
Creeps closer now
Closer to the foot of the bed
And softer than shadow and quicker than flies
His arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes
“Be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy
Don’t struggle like that or I will only love you more
For it’s much too late to get away or turn on the light
The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight”

And I feel like I’m being eaten
By a thousand million shivering furry holes
And I know that in the morning I will wake up
In the shivering cold

the world in words and pictures

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Feeding you takes a lot of time, you aee like a little animal at first, start eating really greedily, gulp your milk taking big sips, sometimes choke and look so surprised. All of this, no surprise, makes you tired, you push yourself away from me only to drop your head again on my breast or burry it in my arms and snuggled you fall asleep.  If I stay next to you you sleep peacefully for some time, if i move you away you often wake up in 15 minutes, remember you did not eat enough yet, it was just the first dish, and so you start your little monolog of food requests, first verbalizing it with your one syllabus n-ehh sound which becomes louder and soon quite desperate. If I am not there for you soon you break into tearful pleads then loud cry .

So I spend a lot of time with you now and since you don’t yet make a very exciting conversationalist we both listen to audiobooks when we repeat those cycles of feeding and sleeping.

ONE DAY …I hope I can share those with you:

1. “The help” by Kathryn Stockett, a novel about black maid working for white families, taking care of the white children. Her love for those children is so beautiful, even when she detest the parents, she cares for their children with affection that is strange to the white mother, she brings up those children and in many cases becomes more of a mother to them than their real mum, high class white woman interested more in parties and dresses than her own baby. she is the one who wipes the tears of and makes the babies smile, teaches them how to use the toilet but all this is hapenning in the times where in the South of the States the seperation between white and blacks was still a reality, there was a lot of hatred and contempt towards the blacks so deeply rooted that even when the rest of the country was slowly awaking to the changes and integration jackson Missisipi was trying to set in stone the old order where the coloured were pushed to the role of liberated slaves, servants who eat in separate places and empty themselves in seperate toilets.

and amongst all of this the black maid wraps identical candies in different papers  letting her discover that the true nature of things is bellow the wrapper, sings her nursery rymes about two girls black and white who think they are different but then touch their noses, lips and eyes, compare their fingers and toes and came to the conclusion that they are actually much the same.

It’s a book about rasism, about the fight and perseverance, about courage and commitment and about feelings. it’s about hypocrisy and ingenuity and childhood innocence and honesty. it is also a book about loving children and so having you in my arms made the whole lot of difference to how this book touched me.

2. “a child in time” by one of our favorite writers Ewan McEwan

It’s an example of brilliant writing. a man, a husband and a father of a three year old girl talks about his life, the …little adjustment, the balance…., he dresses his little girl and takes her shopping so mum tired after waking up few times at night  to cuddle the baby and chase away her nightmares can sleep. before leaving he goes to his wife and lingers there, there is closeness and tenderness between them and desire they channel now to fit married life and carrying for their child. this is where the writting is so brilliant, one moment he lives in an almost perfect world,then he goes out, cross the streets painted in detail with the can coke, the dog by the tree, unimportant details, yet again those very details make the book so perfect because just few minutes later he goes back the same street passing the same spot with the same old can of coke, still there, the dog still hanging around the same tree, but his life changed forever because in the space of minute, between short stroll to and from the shop, as he is going back without his little daughter, she is not there anymore, gone out of his life, suddenly and unexpectedly, snatched away, He observes life with his insulting normality, he walks up the steps to his apartment, goes to his wife who ,still half asleep, grasps his hand and pulls it to her chin to warm it, unaware of the news he is bringing. the little girl is gone from their life.

how it happens what are this thoughts, the kaleidoscope of things happening immediately afte, the trance that follows, the break of his relationship when after initial closeness and common grieve both lovers start grieving in their separate ways, drifting apart, becoming strangers

there is so many details which makes it so realistic, the chaos of the search, the Fluoresent world of the supermarket suddenly becoming quite personal, filled with shopkeepers and customers who become suddenly parents, real or potential, “the lost child belongs to everyone”

for us those emotions are so much more real now that we have you, can’t even think of losing you, you are so precious baby girl, nothing can every happens to you, may you life be safe and happy

the prose is so real, the emotions so strong. You understand

 

WANTED

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You had your passport photo taken today, that was an ordeal, what a pain, little babies like you need a passport with a photo where they have to keep their head straight, first we could not make you keep your eyes open, once you woke up you closed it each time when we switched the lights on, then you would rolll your head to the sides or sideways.

 

Finally we got you, we stuck the photo on a template, once we had your nose centrally lined it turned out when your chin is positioned on the appointed horizontal line your eyes did not reach the top shaded strip where the eyes should be so..we had to stretch you a bit

here you are –

WANTED – by everyone who things you are so sweet and cute

WANTED for committing following crimes:                soiling the nappies, sometimes 3 x per hour,                                                                                       waking up your parents 4 times each night                                                                             eating 5 times per hour

being cute sweet and lovely all the time even when doing all the above

 

 

Bread and Roof over the head

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My Darling,

things are going rather well at the moment. Your wonderful mum is giving you all the nutrition you need, both your parents love you very much (well that is a constant), you are growing and you are so very beutiful and well behaved.

If one day maybe things become a little tight at least daddy now knows how to make bread. Maybe you already got accustomed to the lovely nurturing smell of yeast and baking today. It will always remind me of my grandfather when he came back from the POW camp and told my granny, never mind us having lost everything material, at least i know how to make bread. And bread and cakes and sweets he made much to my and my fellow grandchildren’s delight!

Ingredients:

  • 500 grams of flour, sifted. Can contain up to two thirds of sifted wholegrain wheat flour
  • 2 teaspoons of salt
  • 2 heaped teaspoons of dry yeast
  • 340 ml luke warm water (below 40 degrees celsius)
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
to prepare:
  • Sift the flour into a plastic bowl and fold in the salt, do not add whole meal husks or any grains yet!
  • form a crater for the yest mixture in the middle of the flour and compact then run your finger around the rim to form a moat for the oil
  • dissolve the sugar in the luke warm water then add the dry yeast and whisk a few times until fully dissolved and let stand for one minute
  • pour the oil into the moat around the flour
  • carefully pour the yeast mixture into the crater
  • start mixing with a powerful mixer with kneading hooks starting from the crater and  working more and more flour into the mix before reaching the oil
  • keep kneading until all water and oil have been picked up and all is well mixed, then add your wholemeal husks and extra grains such as poppyseeds, oats, lintseeds, sesame seeds.
  • keep kneading until you have a smooth but sticky mixture, make sure to pick up loose flour and flakes of oil/flour mixture and incorporate, take care not to get the mixer stuck as this may destroy anything but the most industrial grade appliances. Usual mixing time about 3 minutes
  • When finished mixing, sift some flour over the batter and cover with towel and let rise for 45 minutes in a warm place. In the tropics it suffices to make sure there is no draft.
  • after about  45 minutes rising fire up the oven (our oven is digital, it only knows ON and OFF) and place a tin with approx. half a liter of water in the bottom. This will prevent the bread from become dry and hard
  • uncover batter which by know should have doubled in volume and will deflate upon touching with your well floured hands. Form two loaves on board covered with flour and keep covering hands and loaves with flour until finished shaping.
  • sift some flour on tin and place loaves on it, approx. 2 inches apart as they will rise again
  • leave tin with loaves on top of oven where it should now be nice and warm, let sit for another 10 minutes then cut a lengthwise slit into the loaves and brush the gash with oil.
  • Put tin with loaves into oven which by now should have reached its maximum  temperature
  • bake for approx. 30 minutes or until it looks done and the stick test comes back negative. Feel free to brush with water 2 or three times during baking and at the end of the baking process.
  • let cool on rack
  • enjoy

—-GERMAN—–

Link here

Zutaten für
Portionen

500 g Mehl
1 Würfel Hefe
340 ml Wasser, lauwarmes
1 TL Zucker
2 TL Salz
3 EL Olivenöl
n. B. Körner

 

Zubereitung

Mehl und Salz in einer Schüssel verrühren. Die Hefe im lauwarmen Wasser auflösen und den Zucker unterrühren. Eine Vertiefung in das Mehl drücken und das Olivenöl auf den Rand geben. Die Hefe-Zucker-Wasser-Masse in die Mulde gießen und alles mit dem Rührgerät kneten, bis ein gleichmäßiger Teig entstanden ist. Der Teig kann ruhig etwas klebrig sein. Zur Weiterverarbeitung von außen mit Mehl bestäuben. Den Teig ca. 45 Minuten gehen lassen.

Den Teig noch einmal gut durchkneten und 8-10 Brötchen formen. Die Brötchen im Backofen bei 50 Grad ca. 10 Minuten gehen lassen. Eine feuerfeste Schüssel mit Wasser in den Backofen stellen, die Brötchen mit Wasser bestreichen und den Ofen auf 230 Grad heizen. Die Brötchen einschieben und backen, bis sie anfangen braun zu werden. Wer die Kruste gerne etwas weicher hat, kann die Brötchen während des Backens und vor dem Abkühlen erneut mit Wasser bestreichen.

Bei Vollkornbrötchen kann man z.B. 340 g Weizenmehl (Typ 1050) und 160 g Roggenmehl verwenden und die Brötchen nach der ersten Ruhezeit mit Körnern mischen und nach Belieben auch bestreuen.

 

knowing you

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Knowing you is a beautiful thing baby girl. we love watching your little face with beautiful alert eyes darting around, we know your cries, when you are hungry you start gently nhe eh e eh  then keep repeating the sound eh eh twisting your little mouth downwards ready to cry but if i speak to you, call your name and say the same thing to you you stop to listen and it is almost like you understand that i already know and wait now to be fed. not long, if the food doesn’t come quick you get frustrated and start all over again but again I can gain some time by talking to you.

When the nappy has to be changed the cry is different.  You are so patient with us and accepted our bizarre methods of teamwork nappy changing letting us strip you from nappy above the bucket when i am holding you and marcus pulls the nappy down to drop in the bin, then i dangle you in the backet of water, he makes sure you are thouroughly clean, we dry you and often give a quick wash again this time in the bowl.For some reason before this ritual is completed you decide it’s the eating time and start your other gentle cries so i kiss your little mouth already searching for milk and you stop and let us dress you up so i can carry you to bed or chair and feed you

You can eat a lot, sometimes you keep me for an hour or two next to you, when i think you are ready and done you start all over again. I think you may just like the attention and closeness so you suck for short time making lots of little breaks in between but won’t let me go, holding strong onto me with your little mouth title shut around my nipple and ready to start sucking as soon as the danger of withdrawal appears. When you are getting hungry, as soon as you start waking up may breasts feels full and hard and once you start asking for food the milk starts flowing.  It is so powerful, the connection between you and me now, the body of the mother catering for her child’s needs.

it is beautiful to be able to make you feel good, to feed you, to make you feel secure to watch you, your own little person sweet and innocent.

This was a strange year for me my baby girl. last year around this time i was traveling last year I was ragazze imagine, paid to look good drink champagne and dance wearing pretty dresses and heels, I travelled to Dominican Republic Turkey and Tahiti  free, full of life, having new experiences and different excitements each day…today I am breastfeeding and changing nappies and I have never been more happy. I might have worked in marketing, wrote articles, promoted places, did trainings, videos, gave interviews designed  educational materials but honestly i never had more important or more fulfilling job than i have right now, being here for you

every moment I spend with you though i also think about one other person, this when i feel really complete. Sometimes it is difficult because I miss your dad more than ever and yet we have so little time together, so many more things to do.  But the experience we are sharing is incredible and i am so glad i am sharing it with him

 

Haumea is a Hawaian Godess of creation, first Hawaian woman. It is also a name of a new dwarf planet but today we have learned it also have a meaning in Maori even though not many people know it.  It is a star known as Aldebaran and symbolises mystery and power

You are certainly a star for us, one more bright light in our lives and you brought a lot of magic to it.

Kia Orana

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Dear Haumea,

So here you are and out of nowhere our lives are turned upside down which on all, every single one, account is for the better. The stress and pain your dear mum went through, the tender love she has for you and her husband, the outstanding support from the midwifes, doctors, families (from far away), colleagues (so many extra aunties now!) friends and even strangers was truly an eye opener. Not only to the fact that this tiny speck in the huge pacific ocean is a family place or that the place where daddy goes to work is a family business but also that Your parents and you are meant to be a happy family bonded by love and passion rather than obligation and expectations.. Here is to a long and happy life, growing up in one of the most child friendly places on earth. May you bring a life time of joy and happiness to your mum, grandparents and all around you. May you be as special and beautiful as your mum.

Lots of love from your daddy.