Sometimes I may write these blogs in the third person. At times the writting seems easier when you step out and look at things from a different angle, you become an observer of your life, a narrator of the story.

Some things I would also like to share not just with you our sweet baby girl but also with others, with our families, friends, people who may never thought about having children and parenthood looks to them like a boring full time job, a drastic and dramatic change to your life, all for worse, a burden and a drag. These people, funnily enough, are quite similar to me, as I used to be before you changed my world. Maybe not this extend but I also thought that becoming a mother would be such a change to my free spirited lifestyle, i did not really want to take a risk. i knew at some point there may be something i may miss out on but to make a conscious deccission was to me like leaving a place you know, sunny, friendly, exciting and going some new place where things will be different, they may be even better but if not there won’t be a way back.

I hope you will read it once too, maybe when you are a young woman and think about motherhood yourself and maybe reading this as a story and not a letter to you will make this sound more universal. I don’t know how easy it will be for you to listen when your mum talks, how intimate we will be able to be with each other so perhaps making it a third person story will make t more comfortable. I hope though that we will know each other well like I never knew my grandma, like I still don’t know my mother. There are questions that does not seem easy to ask your parents, but maybe it is just the way I was brought up, the parents were more of an authority, someone who was there to tell you what to do not to share what they did.  maybe it will be different now, I hope we will be your parents and your best friends.  I  love you darling…

~~~~~Morning Smiles~~~~~~~~~

There was not a morning in the last weeks when Haumea would cry at night or wake us up crying in the morning. She is still in our room, mainly because it makes feeding easier.  I also don’t believe this little being so used to my body and human contact, that little being that arrived in this world not long ago and everything is new and different, should be put in the room alone. Of course that little new person has to learn how to be on her own but this can be a gentle, gradual process. let her be on her own during the day, looking around, discovering, when she feels unhappy she will cry and then mama will be there, she will know that mama is never far away, then when things around her become more familiar mama will be there but maybe not always all the time around, she will come and touch, she will say something and then go away again.

In the evenings when i feed her she falls asleep happily on my body, cuddled onto me but the moment i pull her away she starts crying. So she is more happy falling asleep listening to the voice of her dad reading a novel to her mum before they fall asleep, she is more happy waking up and knowing that people she knows who love her are right next to her.

This shows so clearly, when i wake up i often see her big eyes watching me, she is happy playing with her hands, stretching, watching her parents asleep in each other arms, when I lean above her,  touch her face or say hello she smiles.  She smiles that beautiful bright happy baby smile, toothless, open mouthed the most beautiful smile I have seen, the one that warms my heart.  she lets us wake up slowly and spend time together, sometimes she says something and we laugh or make a baby noise back while looking at each other enjoying the morning together.  I may drift off  into a light dreamy sleepy state  on marcus’s arm for few more moments while he strokes my neck and hair and the baby is happy too and waits.  As imptient as she is to get her feed the rest of the day she always waits patiently in the mornings, happy each time we look at her and when we finally pull her to us I often sit her on my tummy leaning her against my legs so she faces us so we can get few more of these happy morning smiles before i put her onto my breast and marcus will go to make some fresh coffee

Despite of that joy of having my babygirl close to me and seeing her happy face first thing in the morning I know i have to soon make her a cosy space in the other room so that she can make her first step to independence and we can have our intimacy without baby affecting our relationship. at the moment the love flows freely between all of us, if anything, my love to marcus became stronger because of how carring he is, because of the knowledge how strong our relationship is. i do not want to replace what i feel for him with my new overwhelming feelings for the baby. now the relationship is deeper and having baby with us and working around her sleeping and feeding time may be fun but won’t wor just as well in the long run and when the baby is bigger and observes things around her with far greater comprehension.

I haven’t just became a mother and stopped being who I was before from one day to the other.  To connect a womanhood and a motherhood, to remain being who you were and becoming something else on top of it not instead is a challenge but this is what i would like to master .  i suddenly realise that being a desirable woman is nothing when you don’t have a child. firstly you did not experience yet the essence of that womanhood secondly you often needed to do nothing to be who you were, the attraction depends in such a great percentage on how you look and a natural behavior you have, once you become a mother you need to make a conscious effort to be a woman, an object of desire, you work against nature almost, you master who you want to be, you have to design it. the nature may tell you that now your life is for the baby and your womanhood is to cater for that new life, you do not need a partner to procreate, you just fulfilled your role and should be now satisfied.  but we do not live in the era when this was exactly the truth. We can still enjoy being a woman whilst being a mum. we can fulfill two different roles at the same time. yes it is a challenge , one is easy, you just drop into it or put yourself in it and stay, once you there you just carry on. Unfoprtunatelly being a mum and a lover at the same time is not possible and  so in one moment you have to change.  luckily I think I know it is stil in me, both the lover and the mum.  as I have discovered on occasions you may be at the same time too, this is a challenge for your partner, he can now enjoy a different type of lover, a strong feminine being whose body is that of a miracle, it carried the baby and fulfilled it’s one of its feminine role, but just one, the other one is still there to be fulfilled over and over again.  .  “So the baby is still sleeping in your bed” asked someone i know’ “She is in the same room close to us so we can pull her to bed when I need to feed her in the middle of night. Some nightes I sleep on her side, sometimes Marcus does and he gives the baby to me, it’s easier when she still needs requires to be breastfeed at night but we will soon start putting her in the other room” ‘our is already 1.5 year old and STILL sleap in our bed” it seems that for his little baby who he loves a lot that man had to give something up.

perhaps in some cultures a woman who just delivered and is now nursing her child may not be sexy for the man but it seems that it is mostly women who seem to change and focus their attention entirely elsewhere.

After our beautiful babygirl was born i never felt more loved and desired by Marcus.  And even though there was now more things o do and someone else to love I never wanted to give him more either, feeling so close to him and united by this miracle of life that happened right in front of our eyes, between us.

The latest books hip books about preganncy, nursing and bringing up babies in France, “bringing up bebe”