Category Archives: from mum

before

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it’s the last week my little one.  I haven’t written anything for quite a while. i have problems writing. So much was hapening and then, just one thing made it impossible for me to write anything.  writers’ block? Perhaps?

i meant to write about your family a bit.  you have now gorgeous little garments, your family, mainly grandma and aunty I think, spoiled you so much, you lucky girl.  Now you better be a girl because as a boy you will not look just as handsome in little pink French pantaloons and dresses:) the girls got carried away once they heard the second confirmation that you are a girl. /all sort of girly frills and soft pink clothes arrived recently from Berlin.

Marcus still has a fair amount of work and when he doesn’t we spend every single moment together. Every moment is a joy and fulfillment. We talked about some creative project and I enjoyed it and found his input really great. I am learning from him about local politics, the way society functions, benefit from his deep knowledge of Cook Islands last 10 years history. It’s a pitty that this country, so small and with every possibility to govern itself in an, honest, transparent, effective way, possibly capable of initiating something really grand like new emerging system ,an alternative to overprised democracy, does not take full advantage of this almost perfect conditions.  Maybe one day… Me and Marcus can only see things but we do not have enough cultural background to know the best solutions even if some changes required seem so obvious  the change has to be born here not introduced from elsewhere.  Maybe you or someone like you, local but with a view from outside would be this change…

I hope you will be a curious little girl.  Never stop asking questions and trying to find out.  Easy to say for the parents of today who can always tell their children google knows all the answers. When I was growing up and adults could not answer all my questions, the only way to find out was to make a journey to the library and spend hours searching the books.

We talked a lot also about our childhood and upbringing. Looks like your dad was far more lucky in so many ways.  What prompted this conversation was his concern about his Nana. She is 93 now and caught pneumonia which is serious especially in this age. It’s so difficult for a woman to see her man upset and worried. He said it would be difficult to talk to her on the phone so I suggested he writes a letter to her, the older people are used to receiving letters.  I thought she should know how much she means to Marcus and how much he would like me and you little one to meet his grandma.  nana is lucky to reach such a beautiful age but she has still some things in there she should wait for. I understand Marcus is really close to her heart and so to know him a man, a man fulfilled and in love, with his wife on his side and their daughter in his arms, to know the biggest change in his life, the strongest feelings in his heart… perhaps would add to her will to fight on, will be motivation to wait. to join in his happiness…

I once tried to find this motivation for my grandmother. She was dying an aweful death.. I knew she was still worried though that she was leaving me alone, in her world the girls married in their early twenties, she looked differently at those things.  So I thought I would give her a reason, a reason to survive, to wait.  I got engaged with my then boyfriend thinking she would want to see me in a white dress walking the aisle, that her dream, now that I was giving it to her she would not leave me..

The problem was my Little one, that I did not think about one issue.  That was not real.  It was not the real happiness she would be sharing with me, it was like connecting someone to the life supporting machine instead of giving them an excitment of real life.  I did not think of my own happiness then, did not question if that decision was right or wring.  Frank was a nice sweet guy but not the love of my life.  If only I was in ;love then like I am now, if only I knew Marcus, this would have been the real thing worth waiting for…

So Marcus got it right and we can only hope that maybe his Nana will find a strength in her to share in his happiness and love, in any case though she now knows, she knows both how much she meant in his life and how much of her he will carry in him and that he now finally met someone he wants to spend his life with, not to save her, not to please her, but because he is now sure for the first time in his life he loves someone.  And soon there will be someone else to love and care for, someone who will bring him joy and pride, hopefully little one.  Your dad deserves to be proud of you and just always do your best and he always will.

So hurry up now, there is many people out there excited about your arrival, impatient to see you, waiting to have you in their arms.  There is so many people we want you to know Baby girl.

And really you are getting to big in there, even though everyone is surprised or even shocked you are due in this week, not believing you just sit there in  what they consider to be a little bump or even “the smallest cutest bump they’ve ever seen” for mam it is extra 12.5 kg and I have no idea you stick out so much, last night i burned my tummy leaning to reach for the pot in the back and bumping into the hot pot in front.  I seriously did not realise or did not get used to yet having so much in front of me.  Dad kissed it better but you know, since i did not get used to it by now then no chance i will so …we are ready, ready and excited.  Are you?

 

 

Feelings…

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Saturday before Easter. I always used to wake up to the bright sunlight coming through the windows, often the first rays of sun in many days and  to the smell of freshly washed curtains and a tempting smell of baking cakes coming from the kitchen where my grandmother would be busy with cooking since dusk. There would be an abundance of food in the kitchen, even during communism my nana somehow was able to miraculously create an abundance, there would be a couple of oranges then and a chocolate, the whole bar which I would not save eating it over a month in small bits. Easter was being spoiled. Easter was about food, tastes and smells.  Later on there would be many chocolates and oranges but none of them would make me as happy as that single one that was so special when I was a child.  Easter was all about traditions, thevhouse smelling of cleanliness, tulips and jonquils, fresh willow branches sprouting new leaves.

I remember there was always some sun doesn’t matter how many grey days of winter preceded it, the sky would colour blue almost as competing with the yellow and green of spring flowers adoring our house. Then I would prepare the basket with food that had to be taken to the church to be blessed by a priest and then shared during the Sunday morning breakfast.

On Sunday the food would never disappear from the table and the house would be full of chatter of all the relatives getting together to share the joy of the holidays

Saturday was beautiful here and we spend quite a bit of time swimming in the lagoon. On Sunday we walk up to the rain and wind.  I did not want to get up too soon happy cuddling in Marcuse’s arms, with his hands caressing my tummy waiting for you to wake up too but a little story about Easter bunny wondering around the house made me run like a child to the lounge to find a basket of gifts.

The feelings this Easter was all about love and fulfilment, a complete and utter happiness, excitement about having 4 full days together, just two of us with you growing up inside of me making us think about how it will be to hear your little voice next Easter

There was pork with apple sauce and some red wine but who really cares, the food was not important, we celebrated the most important thing in the world love

I have heard the words “I love you” so many times and saw the love in Marcus’s eyes even more often. So many times he would wait for me in the water, stop me to put his arms around me and tell me his feelings but if he said nothing I could still see it in his eyes, as clear as the water around us.

I am so happy baby girl and I wish you a love like this when you grow up and am happy you are a part of this love

 

 

don’t always let things happen – should we always forgive

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I have a tiny bit more time today. We already had a dinner, Marcus is washing the dishes after the first part of our dinner and preparing sashimi.  First we had three different types of mashed potatoes and a  sausage with 2 different type of mustard and horseradish. I have never yet had sausage here and it has been already well over half a year. I stayed for the mango season, even though I was planning to leave before it and when your dad got a couple of mangos from Aitutaki he insisted I eat every bit of it because…I was not supposed to be here when the mango will come in abundance. There was a guava and star fruit season, passionfruit and now pineapple and watermelon. I am still here. We are still here and your dad is feeding us with fruits and fruit smoothies caring for us and making sure both mama and the little girl inside her will eat a lot of vitamins. He makes us avocado and mil;k smoothies with honey which are absolutely divine but probably keep fattening you inside me because now you move a lot and sometimes it feels like you are rearranging my organs or deciding to lift “the roof” above your head or bum, pushing bits of you out like you now don’t have enough space inside.

So before your dad makes us sashimi I thought about something and soon I will have to tell you more about it. Sometimes people don’t act right, they cheat, lie, deceive and even steal. Holding a grudge against someone may destroy you, make you bitter and unhappy.  But fighting for justice and making sure they will correct their actions or pay for the evil they caused is a different matter. Sometimes it may be not worth is. Sometimes they made a mistake and maybe can’t make up for it or act wrong but feel truly sorry about it.  But some people just keep on lying and would never admit to it so, i believe, it is not only the need for justice that should motivate you, it is also a duty to stop the cycle, to stop them doing the same to others.

Someone once took everything from me, including the trust in people.  whoever I trusted afterwards had to be exceptional and often make a lot of effort and take a lot of time to prove they are worth it. I would trust 3 friends with my life, one is in NZ, one in Italy, one in Australia and i hope you will meet all of them. I have other wonderful friends I trust too but there is always something in the back of my mind, some little fear that I know they did not cause, fear that one day I may get disappointed, fear they do not deserve but after what one person did to me i cannot stop that fear.

I know that person who hurt me so much never changed. I know he did it again and this is exactly why I had to take the most radical steps, inform authorities and start the whole big investigation. I think there may be a dose of satisfaction in the end of it, the mission fulfilled, the justice done but there won’t be any triumph. I don’t even hate them even though they have given me a hundred reasons to do. I despise them for their behavior, their lies, what they are capable of doing to other people. They disgust me and recently just make me laugh because, once caught on a lie they became ridiculous trying to cover it with other lies and excuses, pretending that things happened that did not, making up stories while you have the truth in front of your eyes.  But no i cannot hate them, they are not worth such strong feelings or emotions.

Their daughter once said this to him on facebook and i think what she said is beutiful and very true:

“Perhaps if you kept your life slightly less complicated and more truthful people wouldn’t always expect the worse!!!Try the truth – really its not so bad. I have foudn complete satisfaction in having people in my life who actually like me for who i am – faults and all – including my short temper and big mouth!!!!! ”

Always try to be the person you want others to like.  To pretend to be someone else and lie makes no sense because whoever gives you any feelings, be it love, friendship, admiration or respect gives it nopt to the you, you are but the you you want to portray so the real you is not receiving anything.

 

 

Birthday

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It’s your Oma’s today. There was your Opa’s last week but I had no time to write to you to tell you. Anyway i am really bad with dates and birthday, i hope you will be better. it’s nice to remember people you care about so happy birthday from you little restless girl.

Remember people and always appreciate them. Do it not only on their birthday, do it when they do something nice or when you think about them, do it when you walk pass the shop and see something that you think may be a nice gift.  You do not need to wait to the date set in your calendar to buy someone a ‘birthday present. What is birthday present?Isn’t it a gift to show that you are happy that that person was born and that they are now in your life.  So you can show this gratitude and appreciation any time you feel like, any time you think of it in a thousand different ways.

Do it, do it for people you really care about, be generous with your time to everyone that need your help and only to the people that matter on other occasions because there will be a lot of people around always wanting you, your attention, your time, maybe even your affection or help. chose wisely because there is only is only limited amount. Don’t try to surround yourself with many people, surround yourself with good people, valuable people, the ones that will be always there for you whether you talk to them every day or meet them after 5 years of no contact.  and make sure that they know they can always rely on you and that you love them.

There was a lot of rain last weekend (really sunny now though, what am i doing at home writing to you when the beach and the water is calling??) but we didn’t mind at all, the time run spent together talking, laughing, enjoying each other company, closeness, affection. It’s truly amazing when you meet someone with whom you can do nothing and say nothing and still never be bored, never feel like you are wasting time and never feel like you are missing out on something because

all that you want is right here beside you.

 

sometimes you don’t realise it though or sometimes this other person failed to show you just like in this song by Dido. When you find it show it and don’t ever lose it

 

love you little one although you are now sticking your elbows and feet out hitting hard on my tummy.  Your dad once pushed it back in and i laughed thinking god just wait till she is born she will show you, you might have just stuck her knee into her forehead.  I had another scan and you are a strong little thing, with a noisy heartbeat and pretty little face and I can say full of energy which i now feel right inside me day and night

Grow safe but too much, i still have to push you out one day soon…besos

 

 

 

 

get that bloody dress made

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This week something happened. I will tell you about it because at some point it will be important for you to know.  We had to deal with this and because of what we feel for each other however difficult it seemed we went over it.

I never saw your dad so mad at another person, so outraged when he discovered someone wanted to hurt his woman. normally so sweet and good to every one, so gentle, he was mad and I was only glad that he did not get that guy in his hands because however I felt I did not want marcus to do anything which may do some psychological damage or regret or just change him.

i think what has happened might have happened for a reason and we can turn it into a positive experience.  in the end I was incredibly lucky, perhaps more than other young women or even girls may be.  I have you inside me my beautiful girl and I now know i will do everything to protect you from similar experiences.  Your dad is now so diligent about my security and he will be about yours.

There was some distance between us, it might have been because of feeling of guilt, because marcus was very sensitive about the issue and worried about being even close to me and perhaps bringing back the bad memories.  I knew though that I did not want this thing to bring us apart in any way, not even bring distance between us for a short time. I was worried too though, I did not know what to expect, how will my brain work, what associations my mind may do.  The moment that distance disappeared “the demons’ went away.  I think it is just one more proof how much we have and how strong it is.

Then we watched a movie, an Australian production ‘lantana’ which turned out to be really good, deep psychological portrait of few people, couple of relationships and about how we often mess up things and sometimes it is too late to get back what we have lost in the process.

Well we did not lose anything, not because of the external factor and I hope we never lose it by neglecting it changing, forgetting. “Never let anything bring us apart” i asked and your dad cuddled me and said “no and this is what marriage is for me, is making sure i can be with you forever so..get this bloody dress made”

So I should, shouldn’t I?

Ohana means family

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This is a letter we got from your grandparents from Berlin. We read it together, Marcus helping me with the translation, sitting in a small cafe by the beach in Paihia, Northland New Zealand, waiting for our eggs benedict with bacon, sipping latte. the day was beautiful and I did not think it could be much better but this letter made it even more amazing, there is so much love and feelings in it.

You are so lucky my little one that when you will be growing you will have people like this around you, that they are people closest to you.


And this is what real beauty is, the one that shines from inside, not the way people look or the clothes they wear, you read this letter and you cannot help thinking how beautiful the people who wrote it are and this beauty will never go away on its own, it will never dissapear with time, unless, like uncle Claudi said in his little story about old wise  Indian, you will keep feeding the wrong wolf.

Ohana means family, if you watched the Stitch animation already, and if not ask your parents to show it to you, hope you will now imagine the little outsider saying it. Family means no one stays behind

Liebe Ewa und lieber Marcus!

Heute habe ich noch einmal Ewa`s Tagebuch für Haumea gelesen. ( mit Übersetzung).
Ich habe die ganze Zeit weinen müssen, aus diesen Zeilen spricht so viel Liebe, Freude
und Güte. Sie hat so ein warmes Herz, genau wie du lieber Marcus. Ihr Zwei seid wirklich
etwas ganz Besonderes, euch muß man einfach lieb haben. Auch wenn ihr ganz weit weg seid, denken wir jeden Tag an euch und beten auch für euch alle DREI. Rarotonga ist doch wirklich das Paradies auf Erden, auch wenn es wenige Abstriche gibt, aber  so ist es nun mal auf dieser Erde.

Wir freuen uns jeden Tag mit  euch und freuen uns riesig auf unser Enkelkind.
Heute schicke ich einen Brief an euch ab mit einer CD : Klassik für Babys”. Um meinen
Favoriten  habe ich ein kleines Herzchen gemacht. Es heißt :”An der Wiege”. Es ist
wunderschön. Aber die anderen Titel sind auch sehr schön. Es ist auch etwas Schokolade
für Ewa mit drin ( für Marcus natürlich auch).

So meine Lieben , wir wünschen euch ein
schönes Wochenende, wir denken an euch und drücken euch. Ein besonderer Gruß
an unsere kleine Haumea!!!

Eure lieben Eltern.

 

Aotearoa , in the Land of the Long White Cloud

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We are leaving Auckland behind sailing to Waiheke, an island that was a home to me for over 4years.

It is a beautiful spot on earth and i know i will miss it every now and then, hills padded with grass, vinyards, art galleries, blooming flax I used to learn how to weave from a Maori friend of mine. She would sing a karanga a little prayer to the flax bush before she would gather the leaves. I learned from her that the I ought to leave the 3 leaves in the middle intact alway as this is the family symbolising mother father and child and i should pick the outer leaves first and return any left over bits back to the flax bush. I loved the spirutuality of it and the gratefulness the karanga expressed.  It feels quite nostalgic leaving this place.

Marcus is here with me, he met my friends, ate with them ,slept in their homes which they opened to us. Everyone was pretty excited to see my tummy filled with you.  I carried you back to the places that were once close to me and will remain dear, i shared with Marcus and you views and smells and hopefully i can take more of it back sharing now those memories with marcus and knowing that you were there with us even though too tiny yet to be aware or remember them.

We walked to the Palm beach following my almost every day route and met a bunch of people many of whom i knew, playing drums and singing, dancing with fire pois, this is also a face of Waiheke i will sometimes miss. We had a night swim, the water was cold and the air seemed freezing in comparison to Rarotonga so we run out laughing to wrap ourselves in a big towel, then lay on the grass under a starry sky. There were fluorescent algeae in the water just a few. I didn’t want to say anything but i was hoping so much as we were driving to the beach that those little sparkles would be there for the two of you and sure enough as we splashed into the cold waves Marcus noticed them.

We swam with the dolphins too, they were on their way somewhere and the pod we joined did not stop for long but we swam right above them. It was a tour for which we were invited but even though there were other people around once you see these incredible creatueres everything else or almost everything else stops existing, you are there with them your attention totally drawn to this miracle of nature. The dolphins can sense the presence of the baby inside a person, isnt this amazing? Some time ago I wanted to swim with them to ask some questions, to look for signs and confirmation. Now I did not need this anymore.

My miracle happens right inside me and next to me, it is there when i am in the arms of your dad and when he touches my tummy with so much tenderness and i dont need to ask any questions. We experienced the dolphins together, we lay flat on the bowl of the boat leaning forward, hanging our heads right above the water, feeling the spray of the waves on our faces and almost touching the slippery bodies of the dolphines frolicking in the waves leading the boat, jumping out towards us. It was a pure joy and freedom.

The rest of the time is filled with work trying to sort out my past life. There is so much to do that this hardly feels like holiday. I am glad your dad met some friends who even though I hardly spoke to them for the last couple of years still proved to be reliable and caring. Hopefully you meet them too soon and unlike now will be able to interact with them.

While we were in Northland I got that beautiful loving letter from your grandparents Doris and Heiner. Our lives are now so full of people who mean a lot to both of us, for the first time it feels like I do not live my own seperate life with someone else but as I live one life with someone I trully love.

Soon there will be someoene else to share it with. I think you are slowly getting too big for me and even though so many people say how cute my tummy is, you can consider your first complements, couple of days ago a strange  lady in the shop started talking to me and said what a cute little tummy I have, well still I will be glad when you finally get out of there big girl and I now rather hold you in my arms then carry you pirouetting around in front of me, feels a bit like a medicine ball.  Hey Daddy bought a new really comfy mattress and will build a bed so I do not need to drag myself up from the mattress 5 times each night and so we both will be comfy when we sleep though it feels like just when I am about to goto sleep you start frolicking inside me doing some strange saltos, wish I knew what you do you little brat, well as long as you are having fun…

he ferry arrives soon, our last day in tne Land of the Long White Cloud,it was a long day … next time we come here you will be with us, next to me not inside me, taking everything in with baby’s wide open eyes. when will you start collecting memories? hen will thngs you see write in the tabula rasa of your mind? what will be your first memory?

hope one day this blog will become trully yours filled with your own memories and thoughts…