In perpetual flight

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Non so dove i gabbiani abbiano il nido,
ove trovino pace.
Io son come loro
in perpetuo volo.
La vita la sfioro
com’essi l’acqua ad acciuffare il cibo.
E come forse anch’essi amo la quiete,
la gran quiete marina,
ma il mio destino è vivere
balenando in burrasca.

 

Dedicated to my friends who live by other parts of the world. But we are very close in my heart. And especially to the child that is coming. I love you

 

 

I do not know where the gulls have their nests,

 

where find peace.

 

I am like them

 

in perpetual flight.

 

The life of the pool

 

com’essi the water to catch food.

 

And as you might also love the quiet,

 

The great calm sea,

 

but my fate is to live

 

balenando storm.

 

Feelings…

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Saturday before Easter. I always used to wake up to the bright sunlight coming through the windows, often the first rays of sun in many days and  to the smell of freshly washed curtains and a tempting smell of baking cakes coming from the kitchen where my grandmother would be busy with cooking since dusk. There would be an abundance of food in the kitchen, even during communism my nana somehow was able to miraculously create an abundance, there would be a couple of oranges then and a chocolate, the whole bar which I would not save eating it over a month in small bits. Easter was being spoiled. Easter was about food, tastes and smells.  Later on there would be many chocolates and oranges but none of them would make me as happy as that single one that was so special when I was a child.  Easter was all about traditions, thevhouse smelling of cleanliness, tulips and jonquils, fresh willow branches sprouting new leaves.

I remember there was always some sun doesn’t matter how many grey days of winter preceded it, the sky would colour blue almost as competing with the yellow and green of spring flowers adoring our house. Then I would prepare the basket with food that had to be taken to the church to be blessed by a priest and then shared during the Sunday morning breakfast.

On Sunday the food would never disappear from the table and the house would be full of chatter of all the relatives getting together to share the joy of the holidays

Saturday was beautiful here and we spend quite a bit of time swimming in the lagoon. On Sunday we walk up to the rain and wind.  I did not want to get up too soon happy cuddling in Marcuse’s arms, with his hands caressing my tummy waiting for you to wake up too but a little story about Easter bunny wondering around the house made me run like a child to the lounge to find a basket of gifts.

The feelings this Easter was all about love and fulfilment, a complete and utter happiness, excitement about having 4 full days together, just two of us with you growing up inside of me making us think about how it will be to hear your little voice next Easter

There was pork with apple sauce and some red wine but who really cares, the food was not important, we celebrated the most important thing in the world love

I have heard the words “I love you” so many times and saw the love in Marcus’s eyes even more often. So many times he would wait for me in the water, stop me to put his arms around me and tell me his feelings but if he said nothing I could still see it in his eyes, as clear as the water around us.

I am so happy baby girl and I wish you a love like this when you grow up and am happy you are a part of this love

 

 

Reasons….

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Dear Haumea,

it’s just your dad, easy to distinguish because his output is so infrequent. I am hopeful that over time i will learn from your mum and have the spontaneity and freedom of spirit to write a beautiful long post in which nuggets of truth are embedded like raisins in a german Christmas Bread, just like she did last night in between two courses of our dinner. Your dad configures a fully functional e-commerce server in that time span, but writing ? Not yet, anyway.

There are many reason i can think of why i want to commit to Bella and you sure will ask us one day and on that day i won’t have to refer you to this post for the answer. Your mum is spontaneous, righteous, truthful and fair. She can be a bit jealous but that is actually a byproduct of honesty. Most people are jealous but never admit it and that in itself is the root of many an evil in this world you will soon enter. Also your mum is so practical it sometimes breaks my heart just thinking about it. When pressed for time she toast bread on a gas flame (and delicious that is!), she ejects SIM card with an earring, she lets grievances go temporarily of for good and always makes the right choice. Just today she went through a pile of depressing paperwork concerning some of the hardship she came out of with a smile when i heard her sobbing so i rushed to where she was sitting and learned that it was a short note of mine floating in the midst of that endless pile of past disappointment brought tears of joy to her eyes. I cannot think of many if any fellow human beings who would see the glass as being half full at such a moment but once again Bella did and that is why we will be your mum and that with paper, ring and all. There are many other reasons but i keep them for later posts.

We already live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth and yet despite that fact we would be just as merry in good ‘ol communist Poland, sharing a simple meal made of our pooled food stamps as a mere necessity that complements the existential pleasure of each other company. Why else do we sometimes not leave the house on a glorious day except for cooling off in our gigantic swimming pool that we hope will be your playground too and very soon.

1983 Polish Food Stamp

Well, the good news is we could have swapped the Cigarette and Alcohol allowance for chocolates 😉

Today we are no longer worried about the next meal so before we have it let me take your Mum on a nice little walk around the tropical country side around here.

Lots of love and i cannot wait to take you little kicking and spinning (a homage to Bruce Lee?) dervish in my arms so your mum no longer has to carry all that weight.

Your dad.

don’t always let things happen – should we always forgive

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I have a tiny bit more time today. We already had a dinner, Marcus is washing the dishes after the first part of our dinner and preparing sashimi.  First we had three different types of mashed potatoes and a  sausage with 2 different type of mustard and horseradish. I have never yet had sausage here and it has been already well over half a year. I stayed for the mango season, even though I was planning to leave before it and when your dad got a couple of mangos from Aitutaki he insisted I eat every bit of it because…I was not supposed to be here when the mango will come in abundance. There was a guava and star fruit season, passionfruit and now pineapple and watermelon. I am still here. We are still here and your dad is feeding us with fruits and fruit smoothies caring for us and making sure both mama and the little girl inside her will eat a lot of vitamins. He makes us avocado and mil;k smoothies with honey which are absolutely divine but probably keep fattening you inside me because now you move a lot and sometimes it feels like you are rearranging my organs or deciding to lift “the roof” above your head or bum, pushing bits of you out like you now don’t have enough space inside.

So before your dad makes us sashimi I thought about something and soon I will have to tell you more about it. Sometimes people don’t act right, they cheat, lie, deceive and even steal. Holding a grudge against someone may destroy you, make you bitter and unhappy.  But fighting for justice and making sure they will correct their actions or pay for the evil they caused is a different matter. Sometimes it may be not worth is. Sometimes they made a mistake and maybe can’t make up for it or act wrong but feel truly sorry about it.  But some people just keep on lying and would never admit to it so, i believe, it is not only the need for justice that should motivate you, it is also a duty to stop the cycle, to stop them doing the same to others.

Someone once took everything from me, including the trust in people.  whoever I trusted afterwards had to be exceptional and often make a lot of effort and take a lot of time to prove they are worth it. I would trust 3 friends with my life, one is in NZ, one in Italy, one in Australia and i hope you will meet all of them. I have other wonderful friends I trust too but there is always something in the back of my mind, some little fear that I know they did not cause, fear that one day I may get disappointed, fear they do not deserve but after what one person did to me i cannot stop that fear.

I know that person who hurt me so much never changed. I know he did it again and this is exactly why I had to take the most radical steps, inform authorities and start the whole big investigation. I think there may be a dose of satisfaction in the end of it, the mission fulfilled, the justice done but there won’t be any triumph. I don’t even hate them even though they have given me a hundred reasons to do. I despise them for their behavior, their lies, what they are capable of doing to other people. They disgust me and recently just make me laugh because, once caught on a lie they became ridiculous trying to cover it with other lies and excuses, pretending that things happened that did not, making up stories while you have the truth in front of your eyes.  But no i cannot hate them, they are not worth such strong feelings or emotions.

Their daughter once said this to him on facebook and i think what she said is beutiful and very true:

“Perhaps if you kept your life slightly less complicated and more truthful people wouldn’t always expect the worse!!!Try the truth – really its not so bad. I have foudn complete satisfaction in having people in my life who actually like me for who i am – faults and all – including my short temper and big mouth!!!!! ”

Always try to be the person you want others to like.  To pretend to be someone else and lie makes no sense because whoever gives you any feelings, be it love, friendship, admiration or respect gives it nopt to the you, you are but the you you want to portray so the real you is not receiving anything.

 

 

Birthday

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It’s your Oma’s today. There was your Opa’s last week but I had no time to write to you to tell you. Anyway i am really bad with dates and birthday, i hope you will be better. it’s nice to remember people you care about so happy birthday from you little restless girl.

Remember people and always appreciate them. Do it not only on their birthday, do it when they do something nice or when you think about them, do it when you walk pass the shop and see something that you think may be a nice gift.  You do not need to wait to the date set in your calendar to buy someone a ‘birthday present. What is birthday present?Isn’t it a gift to show that you are happy that that person was born and that they are now in your life.  So you can show this gratitude and appreciation any time you feel like, any time you think of it in a thousand different ways.

Do it, do it for people you really care about, be generous with your time to everyone that need your help and only to the people that matter on other occasions because there will be a lot of people around always wanting you, your attention, your time, maybe even your affection or help. chose wisely because there is only is only limited amount. Don’t try to surround yourself with many people, surround yourself with good people, valuable people, the ones that will be always there for you whether you talk to them every day or meet them after 5 years of no contact.  and make sure that they know they can always rely on you and that you love them.

There was a lot of rain last weekend (really sunny now though, what am i doing at home writing to you when the beach and the water is calling??) but we didn’t mind at all, the time run spent together talking, laughing, enjoying each other company, closeness, affection. It’s truly amazing when you meet someone with whom you can do nothing and say nothing and still never be bored, never feel like you are wasting time and never feel like you are missing out on something because

all that you want is right here beside you.

 

sometimes you don’t realise it though or sometimes this other person failed to show you just like in this song by Dido. When you find it show it and don’t ever lose it

 

love you little one although you are now sticking your elbows and feet out hitting hard on my tummy.  Your dad once pushed it back in and i laughed thinking god just wait till she is born she will show you, you might have just stuck her knee into her forehead.  I had another scan and you are a strong little thing, with a noisy heartbeat and pretty little face and I can say full of energy which i now feel right inside me day and night

Grow safe but too much, i still have to push you out one day soon…besos

 

 

 

 

essential is invisible to the eye.

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Dolce Ohana always remember these words ……… 

 And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Hier ist mein Geheimnis. Es ist ganz einfach: man sieht nur mit dem Herzen gut. Das Wesentliche ist für die Augen unsichtbar.

Ecco il mio segreto. È molto semplice: non si vede bene che col cuore. L’essenziale è invisibile agli occhi.

A oto mój sekret. Jest bardzo prosty: dobrze widzi sie tylko sercem. Najwazniejsze jest niewidoczne dla oczu.

He aquí mi secreto. Es muy simple: no se ve bien sino con el corazón. Lo esencial es invisible a los ojos.

All my life I tried to follow these words …. And I met your mom and your dad. Your heart will see much farther than a telescope. 
Ciao

get that bloody dress made

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This week something happened. I will tell you about it because at some point it will be important for you to know.  We had to deal with this and because of what we feel for each other however difficult it seemed we went over it.

I never saw your dad so mad at another person, so outraged when he discovered someone wanted to hurt his woman. normally so sweet and good to every one, so gentle, he was mad and I was only glad that he did not get that guy in his hands because however I felt I did not want marcus to do anything which may do some psychological damage or regret or just change him.

i think what has happened might have happened for a reason and we can turn it into a positive experience.  in the end I was incredibly lucky, perhaps more than other young women or even girls may be.  I have you inside me my beautiful girl and I now know i will do everything to protect you from similar experiences.  Your dad is now so diligent about my security and he will be about yours.

There was some distance between us, it might have been because of feeling of guilt, because marcus was very sensitive about the issue and worried about being even close to me and perhaps bringing back the bad memories.  I knew though that I did not want this thing to bring us apart in any way, not even bring distance between us for a short time. I was worried too though, I did not know what to expect, how will my brain work, what associations my mind may do.  The moment that distance disappeared “the demons’ went away.  I think it is just one more proof how much we have and how strong it is.

Then we watched a movie, an Australian production ‘lantana’ which turned out to be really good, deep psychological portrait of few people, couple of relationships and about how we often mess up things and sometimes it is too late to get back what we have lost in the process.

Well we did not lose anything, not because of the external factor and I hope we never lose it by neglecting it changing, forgetting. “Never let anything bring us apart” i asked and your dad cuddled me and said “no and this is what marriage is for me, is making sure i can be with you forever so..get this bloody dress made”

So I should, shouldn’t I?

The pacific ocean………..

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Dedicato a Ewa, Marcus, e alla bambina che verra.

The Pacific Ocean
was off the map.
There was no place to put it.
It was so big, messy
and blue did not fit in anywhere.
So they left it outside my window.

El Océano Pacífico
se salía del mapa.
No había donde ponerlo.
Era tan grande, desordenado
y azul que no cabía en ninguna parte.
Por eso lo dejaron frente a mi ventana.