It’s your Oma’s today. There was your Opa’s last week but I had no time to write to you to tell you. Anyway i am really bad with dates and birthday, i hope you will be better. it’s nice to remember people you care about so happy birthday from you little restless girl.

Remember people and always appreciate them. Do it not only on their birthday, do it when they do something nice or when you think about them, do it when you walk pass the shop and see something that you think may be a nice gift.  You do not need to wait to the date set in your calendar to buy someone a ‘birthday present. What is birthday present?Isn’t it a gift to show that you are happy that that person was born and that they are now in your life.  So you can show this gratitude and appreciation any time you feel like, any time you think of it in a thousand different ways.

Do it, do it for people you really care about, be generous with your time to everyone that need your help and only to the people that matter on other occasions because there will be a lot of people around always wanting you, your attention, your time, maybe even your affection or help. chose wisely because there is only is only limited amount. Don’t try to surround yourself with many people, surround yourself with good people, valuable people, the ones that will be always there for you whether you talk to them every day or meet them after 5 years of no contact.  and make sure that they know they can always rely on you and that you love them.

There was a lot of rain last weekend (really sunny now though, what am i doing at home writing to you when the beach and the water is calling??) but we didn’t mind at all, the time run spent together talking, laughing, enjoying each other company, closeness, affection. It’s truly amazing when you meet someone with whom you can do nothing and say nothing and still never be bored, never feel like you are wasting time and never feel like you are missing out on something because

all that you want is right here beside you.

sometimes you don’t realise it though or sometimes this other person failed to show you just like in this song by Dido. When you find it show it and don’t ever lose it

love you little one although you are now sticking your elbows and feet out hitting hard on my tummy.  Your dad once pushed it back in and i laughed thinking god just wait till she is born she will show you, you might have just stuck her knee into her forehead.  I had another scan and you are a strong little thing, with a noisy heartbeat and pretty little face and I can say full of energy which i now feel right inside me day and night

Grow safe but too much, i still have to push you out one day soon…besos

This week something happened. I will tell you about it because at some point it will be important for you to know.  We had to deal with this and because of what we feel for each other however difficult it seemed we went over it.

I never saw your dad so mad at another person, so outraged when he discovered someone wanted to hurt his woman. normally so sweet and good to every one, so gentle, he was mad and I was only glad that he did not get that guy in his hands because however I felt I did not want marcus to do anything which may do some psychological damage or regret or just change him.

i think what has happened might have happened for a reason and we can turn it into a positive experience.  in the end I was incredibly lucky, perhaps more than other young women or even girls may be.  I have you inside me my beautiful girl and I now know i will do everything to protect you from similar experiences.  Your dad is now so diligent about my security and he will be about yours.

There was some distance between us, it might have been because of feeling of guilt, because marcus was very sensitive about the issue and worried about being even close to me and perhaps bringing back the bad memories.  I knew though that I did not want this thing to bring us apart in any way, not even bring distance between us for a short time. I was worried too though, I did not know what to expect, how will my brain work, what associations my mind may do.  The moment that distance disappeared “the demons’ went away.  I think it is just one more proof how much we have and how strong it is.

Then we watched a movie, an Australian production ‘lantana’ which turned out to be really good, deep psychological portrait of few people, couple of relationships and about how we often mess up things and sometimes it is too late to get back what we have lost in the process.

Well we did not lose anything, not because of the external factor and I hope we never lose it by neglecting it changing, forgetting. “Never let anything bring us apart” i asked and your dad cuddled me and said “no and this is what marriage is for me, is making sure i can be with you forever so..get this bloody dress made”

So I should, shouldn’t I?

You are now inside me upseide down. Are you comfortable? are you impatient to dive into the world the one close to you, the safe world where you are being expected with love  and the world that is unpredictable and those, close to you, can only hope that it will be kind to you

Both world full of surprises and wonders…

The belly is getting big and and I find myself thinking more and ore about the little girl growing inside.  We went to the church today. It was a long mass 2 h and I had a lot of time for day dreaming, half of the sermon was in Maori  and so I needed to occupy myself.

This place is so different to Europe.  We won’t send you to many after school classes and courses. I imagine there wouldn’t be that many. I will take you with me to places and feed you with every day experiences and wisdom. We will discover the world together. i now look at things thinking what you can learn out of them ,what you can get out of it to grow, to become a beutiful, intelligent, deep considerate woman.

I would like for you to be able to try as much as I can, paint and sing and write, do sports, crafts, know about native plants and medicine, respect the knowledge and wisdom the old people have and maybe carry ome of it along.  there will be things I may not like or which do not interest me in the slightest still i want you to know about them and open these words to you too so you can chose. We will talk to you about the world and politics, the laws, the human relationship, your dad I am sure will make you a smart cookie with technology just as he is, tell you about his travels, the bords, the history of the countries he has been to or always wanted to go to. But there are other things, so many. What about economics, maths and physics.  these may be the very domains you would be interested in and would have talent for.  i thought about movies I saw, books or animation which at least slightly awoke my interest in the subject and now i note in my mind to show it to you.  Maybe the three or four year old will want to watch pictures from space or ducumentaries about the sealife, maybe you will enjoy just like me the French animation There was life or There was a man. I want to bring as many possibilities to you as I can and let you chose.

I did not have this chance. I was brought up by my nana who never even finished primary school because she happened to grow in the times of the war. We both grew up in communism and this means so many things were beyond your reach. Without any stimulation or inspiration from home and limited number of things I was exposed to I did not have any idea what i should do and which direction I should chose when i was to chose my studies.  I studied markeing first just so I can be sure I can have job and help my grandma.

I know we will put a lot of work in your upbringing and a lot of thought in your developement. all we will hope for is that you will find the area in which you will be good and persuing of which will make you happy.  please remind me if I ever will forget what I promise myself now and will try to influence you in any particular direction.  i hope you will be solemn and deep and if there is something you will be interested in you will also be ambitious to become good in it.  i hope our efforts will not be wasted because you will decide to go off and stop becoming better, get a job as a shopkeeper or just be satisfied with being unemployed and have no aim or purpose in life, won’t see beyond tomorrow.  if it won’t be in your abilities to become expert in any field it’s a different matter but I cannot think this.  so much depends on parents, the love and support they give, the understanding, i

nspiration and encouragements.  You will get it all.  There may not be fancy toys and mac Donalds weekends for you but there will be so much more.  Please don’t waste it little girl.  All i ask for is – do your best.  That’s all
There is a lady in the choir who sings of the top of her voice and enjoys it so much. It’s so easy to see. she is good in it too.  I want to be the mother who will ask you if you like the signing and watch your little face to see if there is an interest in it and if there is I want to tell

you to go and ask the aunty if she could one day teach you how to sing.  i cannot but it doesn’t mean YOU should not learn it.  I do not want to push you though. It is easy to make irt something natural for a little child to go and ask an adult to teach and it is the most beautiful thing any adult can give to a growing child.  In western world this would not be possible.  I would never go to a stranger and ask for anything.  i would be far too self conscious, far too scared, far too shy
Here is how big you are now,  not sure if you were smiling for the camera, only you know..myself. My self confidence, the little that I have at least, did not come from my parents, I had to force myself, make myself do things, change.  I would like these things for you to be natural and easy and no stranger to be really strange or frightening and knowledge to be everywhere to dip into, to share, to ask for.

some pics from our little evening walk to get some avocados and mangos, dad and I holding hands and chatting away, enjoying every moment together, and you were with us..

The windows overlook the bush and the sea in the distance. There is a bed close to the window, only 4 beds in a little room and nobody was there. There is another bigger room but neither of them was very busy just one lady waiting for the moment when her baby will start pushing through to come to the other side to see for the first time the face of the mother the baby knew so intimately for the 9 months yet does not know the look of her face.  How many times does this happen that you are connected with one another, sharing the same food and breath and blood, stay in the same place ever moment of your life for months yet don’t know each other’s face?

There was no other patient in the hospital. The women here usually know the right moment to rock into the hospital straight into the labour timing it all quite precisely, they do not need to wait in the hospital for a long time during their contractions.

Even if it is their first baby there is plenty of mamas and aunties around, each of them knowing the whole process so very well from their own experience, each of them probably have given life to at least 3 or4 and quite likely 5 or 6 children that now roam around the house making it alive and vibrant just like every islander like their house to be.

In the part of the world from which Marcus and I come from children are a luxury many can not afford, they are often distraction to life, the end to the carrear, an expense, a perspective legal case in the event of divorce.  If people want to have them, they rarely decide to have more than one or two. Mothers often give birth at a later age rushed by the biological clock and fear that later on they may regret they did not take the chance to try to be a woman and a mother before being a sucesfull lawyer or accountant.

Whilst in Europe these woman are treated with a lot of care and some caution, birth at a later age being treated as a dramatic or shocking experience for the body, here these woman are the ones that feel most comfortable with it as they are most accustomed to it, having already  carried few lives in them for them  giving birth is one of the most natural thing.  Giving birth here is a part of life, not a big deal and noone maks a big fuss about it .

The  only fuss is about the baby once it is there because every one is being expected with a lot of excitement. It matters not how many is already there, the new one is always waited for and welcome.  someone said it is like a new flower in the garden, new sprout on the branch of the tree. each of them is a confirmation of life and vitality, each new and fresh, each different from the other, unique.

So the little hospital on the hill is now preparing to welcome another life.  The room will be probably just as quiet when you will be feeling the urge to emerge from the warm safe bubble inside my body to that big unknown world you now only hear and sense through my skin.

So here there is a gift for you my little one.  You will come to one of the most beautiful parts of the world, where nature is soft and stunning, the sun is bright and warm and so are the people.  When I hold you in my arms and dad will drive us back to our little house on the beach we will not be stuck in the traffic jams, stopping on the lights, we won’t hear the beeping, there will be no hussle.  We may drive sloe for a while before we overtake a couple of bikes cruising along no faster than 40 km an hour thanks to the law that stipulates that you do not need to wear a helmet here provided you don’t drive faster than 40. You could not force the people to wear the helmets, how otherwise the mamas could dress their heads in fancy hats decorated with shells, ribbons and flowers when they drive to the church on Sunday. Not many people are in a hurry so 40 it is- the speed of life.

We may hurry just a little bit more, pass a few lazy bikes on the way, get to the other side of the island just slightly quicker. We will carry you to the beach and sit on the smooth sand swept by the gentle waves. We will thank the universe for you and let you feel the salty water on your skin and tongue.  This will be your first experience of the world, your loving parents, the sun, the sea, the taste of salt, the stunning beauty and sensuality of this world.  The house will have frangipani smell in the air, maybe there will be an ei waiting for us or just lose flowers in the vase…

My little girl, I hope you will always be grateful for the world you will have around you. Wether we will continue living in this little paradise or elsewhere, there are always good things about every place, it may be waves swept lagoon beach or crazy installation artwork on the backyard of the underground Ljubljana clubs, it all depends how you see and perceive things you look at.  The sun can be too bright and sand make your feet dirty, you can be miserable in every place or happy in every place.  You can just walk pass the beauty and never notice it.  Everywhere life will take you my little one,  look for the things and see beyond, find something to be grateful for, something to be happy about.  Look for it in your life and in the people you love and in the stranger you don’t know yet but who can save your life or become your best friend one of the days that follow.

Where ever  you are remember what your first experience of the world was, the protective and caring arms of your dad around you and me, the love in his eyes and perhaps the tears of joy, the world of unsurpassing  beauty, the scent of seawater and flowers in the air, the sea breeze on your skin.  Where ever you are, remember there is always a paradise somewhere but the beauty is not just there, it is in you and in your eyes and in the way you look at things.

It is still a bit scary to be here so far from the family, in the world i know so little, in the culture I am not yet that familiar with,  going through the biggest and mst important experience of my life. It would not be easy for us both now to go to Europe for 3 whole months to await your birth and the last thing in the world i would want is to have you without your dad being there, for him to miss the birth giving, for me to welcome you alone.  I could not risk that, I rather risk anything else but this.

This was my thinking when I drove to the local hospital with some apprehension  to see the place where I would give birth to you if we decide to stay here.  I desperately needed to find something good about giving birth here.  There is a cost, a danger of complications in case of which it might have been better to be in one of the western countries, to have it here may be a further costs and in this case, an unpredictable one.  It was scary to think what a normal, casual every day occurrence the birth giving  is here, women used to child bearing and birth giving in numbers for generations, the ease of it passed in genes and from experience whilst for me this thing is so strange new and terrifying.

I have never even experienced one birth from up close, apart from a vague memory of my mum carrying my brother and giving birth when i was 8 or so, then seeing the little baby when i visited her or she visited  grandma’s house there is no other clear recollection of a pregnant woman who would be part of my reality.

I spoke to the midwife while waiting to see the doctor. She was very friendly and chatty, curious about me giving birth in Rarotonga. There is not much difference in the delivery in the hospital here and in new Zealand she said, the only one being that they do not use painkillers  “the ladies here are really strong, they don’t need them’ she went on telling me.  “Uplifting’ was my first thought.  It’s a different culture and a different race, different build, different pain threshold probably, will I be able to cope with this or will I be a white papa’e crying in pain when other women staunchly go through it with little or no complain.  Will I be a cry baby in the place where noone will feel sorry or sympathetic to my labour pain but just surprised that I make such a fuss of it, I pondered sulkily.

But as I went on waiting still chatting to that friendly  midwife and another one who joined us I was slowly changing my mind about the whole experience.  Everything is not supposed to be safe and easy.  I started discovering real genuine interest and care, excitement about my birth giving and the baby I was to bring to the world in this little hospital on that hill heavy with fruiting mango trees.

These two ladies so used to seeing birth all around them and dealing with it in the hospital on every day basis and yet both of them squeezed themselves behind me into the doctor’s office, both hurrayed when the doctor said he would do quick ultrasound and got excited almost as much as i looking at your little head and feet on the screen.  “Would you like to know the sex” the doctor asked and both of them answered with enthusiasm yes before i made up my mind.  “ladies, maybe let the mum decide” the young doctor rebuked them laughing and i said yes let us know.   I though I may as well tell marcus myself, perhaps it will be even nicer if he hears it from me, i was sure he would not mind finding out here and then, we did not care anyway if you were boy or girl we would love you just the same.

But my attitude changed that very moment when two excited aunties – midwifes waited with me to find out who you were and seeing their wide open smiling eyes rejoicing the girl arriving to the world here soon, perhaps being delivered by one of them.

I do want to give the birth here. it will be so much easier for your dad, he would not need to worry how to secure his job when he would need to take 3 months off to come to Europe with us.  There is so much stress n his life already, uncle Claudio was laughing once talking to him saying oh Marcus here you  were having your quaint stressless life in a far away place and here you have Ewa, the most beautiful person you can hope for and the biggest tornado or cyclone you may fear.  So now he can have at least one stress less and we can be here with him  experiencing your birth with me in this wonderful culture where the midwifes are still excited to see a new baby on the screen, where the fijian aunty clasps her hands when I promise to come to her birth giving lessons, where mama nicky when hears about me wanting to have an influence of an older wise lady on your life, having a local nanna for you here offers enthusiastically and  without a second thought “i can be a grandmother” even though her own daughter is expecting just one month after me and her other little grandson is always with her in the house. This does not matter here, the nanna can have 4, 5 or 10  grandchildren in her house but still one more will be welcome just as much as the first one, there will be never too much, and every new addition, every new ringing little  voice asking thousands questions, every little feet running up and down the steps and spinning around in circles making the adults dizzy  will just bring life and joy into the house.

They will be almost the same age, my daughters son and your daughter, it will be great to have them in the house together – said Nicky and told me about children growing up together and being attached to each other like real brothers or sisters.  She talks about her parents and their house full of children and how she once wanted to send them all to their parents after hearing her dad moaning about the noise and how quickly he protested saying she just have to let him moan but the house without children will be like the garden without flowers and he will be like a gardener with an empty garden.  Like an officer without an army to boos around.

I always loved experiencing new cultures and sopgiving birth in the end of the world will be this ultimate cultural experience. Oh yes, there was a thought to take it even a step further and perhaps give birth in the outback Australia or Papua New Guinea, a very traditional birth, but this made your dad really frustrated.  He cares too much for me to let me do things that may not be safe and now he cares too much for both of us so your mum was “slapped on the hands’ for her “interesting”  ideas this time. Gee I remember you dad getting upset about it and me thinking he doesn’t understand me and looking for some compassion in the conversation with my mum but this worked totally wrong, she just thought i was crazy and marcus was totally right and should have just tie me to chair or something until I will these sort of ideas out of my head.  Claudio, my last possible support, well he always supported me in everything so here was a safe bad i thought and someone will feel sorry for my desire not being understood or supported, this time also told me that in this case he would be far more happy to know me and baby is secure and marcus is totally right and no wonder would have got frustrated or even angry because of how much he loves me and cares and o he would like to do anything for me but this obviously would be wrong  and dangerous for me so he can’t.  So this time i had to admit that it makes no sense to look for some sort of alliance or support, the other two people that care for me  has the same attitude so obviously they had their reasons and i was wrong.  Even if it was safe enough but got all the ones i love so frustrated it made no sense to have those dreams, it would have been damn selfish.  I called your dad and admitted to my attempts to get others to feel sorry for me and how he does not understand me and that both of them failed and that he was right and i should have thought about how worried he would be and that it would frustrate him and he laughed and told me he loves me and he should not get that upset and he understands my desire to experience the natural traditional birth but he will be happy if I will be safe and this time he would really appreciate if i took no risk but i don’t need to be upset about worrying him, he always worries too much anyway.  So i hoped that at least he will feel a bit sorry for me and i get some sympathy from him this time not for no birth giving in PNG but my failed attempts to get support and of course i got, amongst hearth y  laughs.

So here it will be safe and whilst the birthgiving itself may not be as different as it could be elsewhere the new culture is not in the way the baby is brought to the world.  The australian desert might have been a more interesting and challenging setting and the traditional chants and herbs more of a cultural adventure than a little hospital on the hill in Rarotonga but the culture is in the attitude, in the way people look at the newborn, in the joy of the midwife, the nanas ready to welcome you as their grandaughter, in many many small things and some times finding these cultural differences in nuances is far more rewarding than  a national geographic type of strange and different culture total emersion with distinctive rituals and customs.

And so it all changed. All the fears more or less went away, bringing you to what will be your home here in the country that is supposed to be your home makes sense and makes me happy, to bring you to the world where nature and people are so welcoming and warm.

I am now off to work and have to hurry a bit, spent far too long writing.  It was supposed to be short. Actually it was supposed to just say what a wonderful weekend we had and lovely and loving morning, the moments to remember like dad urging me to go for a quick swim before work, while he took the car to fill the tires with air, wash it and refill with water and to made sure I can safely drive to work, the feeling in my tummy when i realised he still did not leave but was waiting for me when i was coming back fresh from the morning swim in the lagoon and so i can press my wet body to him and he could hug me and kiss not minding getting wet, before jumping onto the bike and rushing to work.   It was just a moment but made my day.

I hope to fill up my life with moments and memories like this. hey soon you will be a part of these moments and memories, creating them for both of us.  And as you will be too small to remember them at first, they will be all here for you too, like your first look at the lagoon and touch of your mum’s and dad’s wet salty finegrs on your little, hopefully smiling face.

can’t wait to see you baby:)