the last days were busy with friends visits, Ui Ariki festival, bread making, long talks and movies and heaps of TLC. you seem to have some growth spurt again and consume copious amounts of milk, still you were lighter than a sigle plate of food filled wth pork, taro and chicken which  we were given at the Ui Ariki celebration.

I spoke to my good girlfriend a couple of days ago, here i was, the one people always found so free spirited, full of crazy ideas, never settled, always curious, always going somewhere and always suprising. Suprising I was. Iza still can’t believe when she talks to me that I have a little baby of mine in my arms, it’s only when I stop the conversation to say a few words to you, cheer you up or answer your grooing that this fact hits her.  And here I was telling her to make herself a baby. I care for her, she is a good friend even though we see each other so rarely, and i know that from her perspective now having a baby is not at all an appealing option.  I could look at other families and I know if you didn’t happen to me watching some other happy parents and kids would never make me think of motherhood.  I did not feel I was missing anything and I was scared of that huge commitment.  it seemed like the baby would change my carefree life, would fill my house with baby toys, food stains and baby’s cry.

Why is it like this that if someone buys a new car everyone wants it, noone sees it as a source of an expense, fuel consuming machine that polutes the air, a place in which you can get stuck in a traffic jam…it has bad points too after all.

So only now I learn that the house doesn’t need to be filled with baby toys, you don’t need all that baby crap everyone buys, mattresses, chairs, beds, all the special things the producers tell  you the baby needs. All that baby needs is your love and care and a healthy warm place to live and you need just a bit of imagination and inventiveness and can create  spaces comfortable for the baby anywhere you go from things you have at hand. And any evil things we see in having a baby are well compensated by  that overwhelming love  love you feel to that little creature,  joy it gives holding them in your arms, feeling their warmth, hearing them breath, tenderness they awake in you.

When you watch a stranger halling about their baby trying to pull the arms through the sleeves of a romper you feel they are wasting so much time on trivial boring things like this all day long now but when you do it gains a different meaning, you are giving something to someone else, someone who trully needs it and needs you.  giving is beautiful but giving anything to another adult is never that much fun. You may find that you are being taken advantage of and you never know that who you give it to truly deserves it or it would have been better to give those limited resources of time or money to someone else. with baby there is no question like this. giving is a pure joy.  And for a woman dressing up and feeding the baby suddenly brings back the childhood times of dressing dolls

so here you are sleeping in an adult hammock in your little car seat carefully placed inside, sides of the hammock clipped with clothes pegs to the side of the handle to create a nice little cocoon around you shielding you from the wind.  We siwn you a couple of times and with the waves leaping underneathh you, the distant sound of the surf you fall asleep to dream some happy dreams I hope

When you start waking up i pick you up, knowing well that when you discover you are waking up alone you will start crying and won’t stop until I start feeding you. You make a funny face first and in the past you would start crying anyway because you always wake up hungry but now hearing my voice you trust you get your milk soon and you smile faintly and say uugh and i feel swarm by a huge wave of love and all that is missing now is marcus beside me because I so would like to share this with him and that love is always for you and him at the same time

so i start feeding you and give him a ring and he tells me he bought nu for me and fresh tuna for sashimi for us and that he loves me and will hurry back home and the world is …just perfect