It was a hard labour. There was a lot of pain with first contractions already 3-4 minutes apart, lasted for 16 hours.  We woke up at 2, drove to the hospital at 4.30 when the pain started becoming unbearable.  I went straight into the delivery room and from then onwards, apart from one quick visit to the bathroom, Marcus stayed with me holding my hand kissing my forehead, stroking my back, for 12 or 13 hours non stop, all that time standing not minding pain in his feet, not minding discomfort, all he worried was me and that he cannot take this pain away that there is so little he can do. But he made a world of difference. I can’t even imagine how it would be without him I know at some point he cried and said something so unbelievably beautiful but I couldn’t remember his words later, I just remember his beautiful face full of concern and love and mix of pain and pride.

Some people from his work and Dion came to visit, someone let them into the delivery room and i saw them in between my contractions but this is all a haze, I knew they brought words of encouragement and mountain of gifts.

Then the time came to push. People say you forget the pain…it was not the pain though that I will remember, it was a terror and fear for my baby and  I don’t think I will ever forget this. I was exhausted and though, after last medication, my contractions became shorter and less painful it meant I now had  shorter windows to push.

During the next hour I tried  over and over again, giving everything from myself, making inhuman almost efforts but still it was pointless and i felt so helpless. And there was marcus always there, reapiting quiet words of love, reassuring me, my husband, your dad, waiting for you to come to this world and being there for both of us.

Whatever I was doing, after a short success when the baby’s head appeared at the opening, I could not get the baby out. Something was wrong.  I cried and screamed in pain by then, I was scared, I felt I am failing my little baby. Marcus’s constant reassurance and his hand stroking my face was the only thing I could hang on to not to break. I had no more strengh on my own, the only strength i was now getting from him.

There were two midwifes and two doctors with us. The Burmese doctor looked like a graduate in his katmandu jumper, the other one was wearing a t-shirt with a sign picturing a married couple titled “game over”. Midwives Tai and Tauvaine tried hard to direct me to push more effectively. With my legs prompt on their hips I did push as hard as I could,  I felt a ring of fire down there, there was pressure in every muscle, in felt like the skin is tearing yet there was no more progress.   I had no more strength to scream or cry.

One hour of sweat and pain passed and the head was still in the same place. Now everyone was getting stressed.  ‘you have to push the baby out. We don’t have much time, we have to get her out now, she was too long there, push, try” “Don’t you think I am trying, do you think I want to keep her there?? Like I don’t want her out?” I cried now in frustration and by now also in a panic myself not knowing what is gonna happen to my baby if I don’t succeed right there and then.  Dr Linn decided he will help me with the suction cap. everything inside me felt raw but all that mattered now was to get the baby out.

Then there was a painful injection bursting under the skin of my vagina, doctor saying he will have to cut me and use the forcipes, things bursting and tearing and pain.

Despite the injection an i felt unbelievable pain when the heavy clumps were pushed inside even though I felt almost dead inside, paralised  with fear that those cold hard things are now closing around my baby’s head to pull her out of me.  I pushed with all my power when the doctor said he was ready, determined to save pain to my baby girl. “i can’t see how you could push that hard when the doctor had to pull with all his strength and it was still damn difficult to pull the head through even though you were not cut open” said marcus later.

With me pushing and the doctor pulling the little head  finally popped out just like a cork from a well corked bottle of wine. A limp little body followed a couple of moments later and I just prayed for that baby scream

I don’t remember much after I felt little slippery body being put on my breast, tears of fear and pain and unbelievable joy and release. Someone asked Marcus of he wants to cut the umbilical cprd, someone handed the baby to him, he was next to me hugging me, someone took the baby to weigh and put in a warm place, I asked Marcus to go and see her and tell me everything is ok. I don’t know how I got to bed who attached the drip onto my arm, I just remember being in Marcus’s arms, the nurse bring  the baby and me holding this beautiful little person in my arms, with Marcus’s arms around me, both of us stroking in amazement little head watching that pretty dear little face pressing to my breast  when the baby starts sucking. Suddenly our lives changed and opened up to that completely new kind of love, unknown until then. That very moment I knew I will always, always love her. I saw love in Marcus’s eyes, both to me and the baby, all so overwhelming. I don’t know when I fell asleep, I know the baby was in the cot next to us and Marcus put her on my breast again some time at night and when we woke up sudenly….we  were a family